Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Telephone (07/17/08)
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TITLE: Tele-diction | Previous Challenge Entry
By Diana Richardson
07/21/08 -
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Carol came in the back door with her arms full of grocery bags, shutting the door with her foot.
“Guys, I need some help, please. Telina, Vidora, come help me.” She called to her two daughters. No reply came.
After several trips to and from the car she left the groceries on the counter and began going up the stairs calling their names.
When she entered Telina’s room she found her thirteen year old with her cell phone in her ear.
Placing her hands on her hips in a motherly way, she asked, “Where’s your sister? You are supposed to be watching her.”
“I gotta go, Gabe. Mom’s yelling about something.” She ended the call and turned to her mother in disgust. “I was talking on the phone! I was busy.”
“Do you know where your sister is?”
“How do I know? I was busy.”
“You were supposed to be watching her. If you can’t do what you’re supposed to do, the phone will have to go. Go look in the back yard for her. If she’s not out there I’ll start calling neighbors.”
When Carol got back to the kitchen she saw her eight year old munching on the new bag of chips.
“Where were you when I called for help carrying groceries young lady?”
“I was in the basement playing video games,” Replied Vidora.
“Help me put away the food. No, go to the back yard and tell Telina to come help too.”
Soon both girls were helping their mother when suddenly there was some very loud music coming from Telina’s pocket. She instantly had the phone to her ear and left the kitchen.
The next time Carol saw either of her daughters was at the supper table. Even for that it had been a hassle to get them away from their gadgets. In the middle of dinner the horrible music blared again. Instantly Telina attached herself to the phone and disappeared.
So the evening went like every other evening her teen could hardly do anything but talk on the phone. The little one was already begging for one too.
Carol was getting more frustrated every minute. She didn’t know them any more, they were always attached to some electronic gadget. Conversation with parents was not on their radar.
When bedtime came she got them detached and up to their room. Soon there was a loud scream and yelling coming from that room. Carol ran upstairs to see what the problem was.
Vidora was crying and yelling to Telina, “It’s your fault. You made me fall.”
“I did not. You’re just a klutz,” Was Telina’s response.
When Carol picked up Vidora from the floor she saw that she had fallen over a cord. “What is this cord doing strung across the room?”
“It’s my phone charger. She pulled it out of the wall.” Telina said.
“Why is it strung across the room?” Carol asked.
“I have to charge my phone don’t I?”
Carol walked over to the bed where Telina was lying. Under the cover was that cell phone beside her. Then there was a discussion of how important it is that Telina be able to answer calls in the middle of the night from Jason.
“He can leave a message. This phone has become a “ball and chain”; you can’t even sleep without it. Put it by the plug where the charger is and go to sleep.” Carol ordered.
As she left the room she thought she heard the word “mean” come from her daughter’s mouth, but she surely misheard. Just in case, she gave another threat to get rid of the phone if this continued.
Downstairs Carol told her husband that she’d forgotten something from the store. She’d be back in a few minutes. She got her keys from her purse and checked to see if she had everything she needed. Her phone wasn’t in her purse. She must have left it in the car. She went to the garage to leave.
A few seconds later she was back in the kitchen frantically searching. “Robert, have you seen my phone? I can’t go out without it. I may need to call someone.”
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Your story seems a bit stilted and stiff. Use more show don't tell. I want to be part of the scene, not have it relayed to me.
Good work.
A little dialogue mixed in would help the reader relate better. Also an extra space between paragraphs would make it easier to read.
I was hoping for a different ending, because it looks like the mother is in the same predicament as her girls...but that's the way things are going.