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Topic: Desire (01/17/05)
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TITLE: Desire | Previous Challenge Entry
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01/24/05 -
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The first thing I remember really desiring, as a child, is to become a mother. My sister says she remembers me from the earliest age replying to the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” with “A mommy.” I didn’t care about anything else when I grew up, just to become a mom to some wonderful child.
When I was 18 that desire got fulfilled. I found out I was pregnant and was so happy, I think I floated home from the doctor’s. And I loved being pregnant. I loved feeling the baby move, I felt myself growing prouder and prouder as my stomach got bigger and bigger. It’s like it was sticking out at this world for all to see - that this woman was going to be a mom! I didn’t even mind having to go to the bathroom all the time (well most of the time anyhow.)
I remember once I went to a AA banquet with my mom,just a couple of weeks before the baby was born. My mom could watch my belly move across the table from me. I felt so special and warm and wonderful and so very, very blessed while carrying my son.
After he was born, being a mom was wonderful. Oh sometimes I would get overwhelmed, all mom’s do. But then that child smiles up at you and your heart melts and you soul sings with the happiness that you feel knowing you have that smile to remember forever.
After becoming a mom, a new desire came into being. I realized I didn’t want to miss a moment of child’s growing up years. So my desire, and really out of my hands I know, was to not die before they were grown. I had some aunts die young, leaving children behind, and that became my biggest fear. So not dieing before my children reached 18 became the driving desire in me.
When the oldest reached 18, I started to desire becoming a grandmother. I wanted a baby to hold and love and spend hours upon hours with. This desire too was out of my hands, but I still desired it anyhow.
And when I finally became a grandmother, I was not disappointed in anyway. I found myself more patient, more slowed down, and totally more relaxed when around my grandchildren. I found being a grandmother was just as much fun and exciting as being a mother had been.
I still desire more grandchildren. Now though, my life has taken another strange turn I was not expecting. I found the Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. I never thought I would fall so deep and so hard in love with Him. But I have. Now my desire has turned to knowing Him as intimately as possible. I want Him to be reflected in every area of my life, as a sign of how much He means to me. I want to learn more about Him, I want to talk more about Him; I want to sing about Him. What a great desire (just like the others I have had) this one is. And like the first one I had, this one is in my control.
So here I am. Waiting and desiring to know God more intimately, to know and desire His will for me, and also desiring to become the woman He always wanted me to be. How exciting!!
I don’t’ know where my life will go from here and what other desires may or may not come into my life. I am happy though, that all my desires have been fulfilled except the last one, and that one will be completely fulfilled only when I die and join my Father in Heaven. Until then, it will be a blast to continue to work on it and see what else this life of mine has to offer me.
God Bless one and all
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