Dying for Someone the Wrong Way | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Dying for Someone the Wrong Way | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jordan D.
02/15/08
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I sat on my bed, on my knees, my entire body was shaking. My door was locked, all windows were shut. The storm raging outside provided a strange but appropriate background to what was going on inside of me.

The gun was against my forehead. I had known exactly where to look, and now that nobody was home, it was perfect. Good thing I was at my dad’s house this weekend.

I was doing this for every wrong that had been done against me. My parents divorcing during the middle of high school, just when I needed them the most. My brother who had driven me drunk and had gotten me blind through a car accident just before our National Cheerleading Competition. And God, for letting all of this happen to me.

My breathing was uneven, and sweat pouring out of me as I tried to get up enough strength to pull the trigger. A note lay by my bed, a note that clearly lay next to me and described in full detail why I was doing what I was doing.

NO LEILA.

The pleading voice caught my attention, and I registered the first shock I had felt in weeks.

ITS NOT HOPELESS DAUGHTER. I STILL LOVE YOU.

“No, no you don’t!” I yelled. My own voice scared me, I couldn’t remember the last time I had raised it louder than a whisper in more than a month. Tears began to run down my face. My hand shook violently, making the gun rattle against my head.

It wasn’t just my family. It was me. I had made more wrong decisions that I thought was humanly possible. Sex, drugs, alcohol. I could take each and every one and put the guilt on something someone else had done, or even a situation that had happened to me.

It wasn’t my fault.

My free hand held my stomach tightly as the sobs took hold of me. My brown hair felt stringy as it lay flat against my head and covered the front of my face.

I thought of my dad when he would come home. He would find me dead, across the bed. After reading the note, maybe my parents would finally regret their divorce. Maybe my brother would finally see what his drunk driving had cost him. Maybe God would wish that he hadn’t done what he did to me.

YOU ONLY SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I HAVE IN STORE FOR YOU!

“No, it’s impossible. Don’t you see?! I’m blind! God, I can’t SEE anything! I can’t DO anything anymore!”

But for a moment, I let my resolve down. Hope came into me, as hard as I tried to push it away. Hope was my biggest danger nowadays. It had been drilled into me more times than I could count. God had a bigger plan. Blah.

But what if he did? What if ending my life really was taking away something I couldn’t even imagine…

The lightning and thunder scared me, and maybe it was reflexes, but I couldn’t help but think it was God.

I threw the gun as far away as my weak muscles could with a loud yell, and I heard it crash against my mirror at the same time a another crash of thunder boomed louder than I would have thought possible. I looked up at the shattered glass.

As I crumpled down to the bed, I took my head in my hands. My sobbing didn’t stop as I yelled out to my Father, “Help me God. Hold me.”

And that’s exactly what He did.

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