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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Illustrate the meaning of “All that Glitters is Not Gold” (without using the actual phrase or literal example). (01/24/08)
Steve walked into the restaurant just before noon, for his luncheon meeting with Joe. Their Joe was waiting for him at the hostess stand. " Hey Joe, How are you doing?” Asked Steve.

"Fine, are you ready to get down to business?" said Joe.

"Yes," said Steve.

The hostess walked up to them and said "Are you ready to be seated?”
"Yes we are," said Joe.

The hostess walked them back to the table and asked, "will this be ok?"

"Just fine" said Joe.

Both men sat down and Joe had a drink from his glass of water that was already sitting there and cleared his throat.

"Tell me about this partnership?" asked Steve.

"What you are going to be is a limited partner in a bookstore. What the general partner wants to do is to have eventually is a chain of bookstores just like Borders. The difference between Borders and us is the books will be discounted. The general partner has a plan to get book's wholesale from the publishers, as a result prices for the books will be allot less than Borders," said Joe

"What is my investment facilitating," asked Steve

"Good question," said Joe.

"Your fifty thousand dollar investment would help pay for the startup cost for opening new stores. When the stores open and start making money you will get a return of the profits" said Joe
"Sounds simple enough, what papers do I need to sign?" asked Steve

Six Months later at the same restaurant Joe and Steve are already sitting at the table.

"Steve we had to much problems getting or finding locations to open stores. Most of the malls have a waiting list to rent space, as a result you lost all of you money." Said Joe

Steve mouth drops, as he is stunned.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Jan Ackerson
02/02/08
Ouch, that would hurt! The guy was really pursuasive, though.

You have some spots in need of editing, particularly in punctuation and capitalization, and a little bit of tense switching near the end.

Your title drew me in--good job.
Laury Hubrich
02/02/08
Well, I can't imagine having $50,000 to lose in the first place! Good story telling. In the future, you don't need to use tags like you did, such as, he said. It makes it read like an old Dick and Jane book. I would suggest reading entries from masters or advanced to see how others handle this. That's how I've learned so much, that and comments like this! Keep on writing!
Laury
Sara Harricharan
02/05/08
Yeouch! To lose 50k, that's quite a bit, again, ouch! You made it seem pretty real though, the ending was a little choppy, don't forget to use "?" when asking a question, it shows a little more than tells, like when his mouth fell open, I could see that happening because you'd set up wonderfully for it. Short and sweet. Good job. ^_^