Make a Decision | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Make a Decision | Previous Challenge Entry
By Terry Ann Stevens
01/07/08
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My grandmother sat by the window in the dim light struggling to see her sewing. I watched for her reactions as I wiped my eyes and nose unceremoniously on my sleeve. She did not register disapproval of my untidy habits as she searched my face for an answer to her question.
"Mema, I am afraid to confront her." I said trying in vain to keep the tears from flowing.
"only you can make the decision." she replied kindley.
"we will just fight and she will tell me how dumb I am being. She won't really listen to me.She just doesn't think I am worth her time. She thinks I am stupid, clumsy and ugly."
"hmm, I always thought of your mother as smart. Noone could look at you and think you are ugly. There is nothing stupid about you and everyone is clumsy once in a while, including your mom."
I pondered that for a minute, my mom had always seemed perfect to me, I didn't think I had ever seen her clumsy. She never had a hair out of place. She was athletic and popular. But we had never had a close relationship, she did not approve of me even though I was her only daughter. My dad's mother, however thought I was perfect, That is why it was so easy to talk to her about my heartache. Mom might hate me but mema loved me.
My grandmother dropped her sewing and said quietly "Shall I tell you what will happen if you decide NOT to talk to her?" I nodded. Her eyes took on a faraway look as if she was remembering the past or seeing into a distant future. "You will continue to be afraid that you are not loved by the one person whose love matters the most. You will try to please her in every action for your whole life. You will be so afraid of not pleasing her that you will be unsure of every decision you make. You will try to stay on her good side so much that you will lose yourself. You will make bad choices trying to choose as she would. You will never know shat she wants for you or why. You will end up hating her and yourself. You are smart, pretty and worthy. You have the potential to be great, but you have to learn to like yourself. No one can accept you until you accept yourself. Not everyone can love you and you don't need everyone to, but you need know your mother's mind and she needs to know yours." She picked up her sewing again "make a decision and stick to it"
I got up to go wash my face and get ready for bed, thinking about mema's words.
"not doing anything is a decision, too" she called after me.

Mema's prediction did almost come true. God, thankfully intervened and I finally did talk to my mother, but not before I was thirty years old. When we finally talked I found out that Mom too thought I had great potential. She was terrified that I would waste it. But she always loved me, always.
I could have saved us both a lot of heartache if I spoken to her when I was nine.

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