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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Confused (08/16/07)
With lazy stretches the bed covers stirred. Memories of Saturday mornings wafted through the air, clinging to the scent of blueberry pancakes. Daddy was there, big blue mixing bowl in one hand, wooden spoon in the other, folding the batter.

“Can I stick my finger in?” Smiling eyes answered her back.

“It’s your favorite part, isn’t it?” She was halfway across the kitchen before he finished his sentence. Finger extended, she scooped up a big dollop of batter, making sure to get a couple of blueberries for good measure. “Are these the best pancakes you’ve ever tasted?”

“Umm-hmm!” came the voice from around one very sticky finger. “They’re the best, aren’t they Mama?”

“Yes they are, sweetie.” Mom stood quietly at the kitchen door, watching the moment between father and daughter. Life didn’t stay this way forever. More memories flooded her head. Mom was no longer quiet, and Daddy’s eyes were full of anger. Voices were raised, doors slammed, tears flowed.

The covers stirred again, and her head came off of the pillow. No, she thought, life hadn’t stayed that way for very long at all. But the good memories lingered with the smell of pancakes on the stove. Mom and her never made pancakes anymore, what was going on?

Socks made their way onto her feet, and her feet made their way downstairs. I must still be dreaming. There’s Daddy’s voice again… and blueberry pancakes. Reaching the landing she turned the corner. Her father sat at the kitchen table with her mom. The memories flooded her head again, all of them.

“What’s he doing here?” was all that came out of her mouth.

“Sweetie. Daddy dropped by last night after you went to bed. He’s…”

“Listen, your Mother and I have been talking - Wow! - All night, in fact.” The voices trailed off as the memories took over. “…trying to work on things….” Images flashed through her mind. “…I found Jesus…” Who was he to come back here? “…getting back together…” Why was he here? “I hope you can forgive me, in time.”

The aroma of blueberries filled her nose, and she stood there in silence, not knowing what to think.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Julie Moore
08/24/07
What a sweet story. I like how the blueberry pancakes were in the girls dream as she remembered the happy past, and the smell was there when she woke up and her Dad had returned. Good job!
Pawel Spencer
08/24/07
Amen! I wish there was more! That is how Jesus works- and we get to sit back, be befuddled by it, stew in our confusion, and in the end praise Him- I hope this is a true story
Peace!
Jan Ackerson
08/24/07
Very nice story, good job on the transitions.

In the paragraph where you alternate between Dad's dialogue and the main character's thoughts, perhaps italics for the thoughts would help your reader to tell the difference between speakers.

This is good, and since you had more words, I'd like to see it expanded to futher explore the characters.
dub W
08/25/07
Okay, this is a good start. Need to work on some dialogue techniques and maybe add a little to the story. But, I liked it, I liked the title, I liked the way the blueberries fit into the story. Good job. Keep posting.
Joanne Sher 
08/27/07
Loved the beginning and end - both were so visual. A bit more visual in the middle would have made this even stronger. A lovely story.
Rachel Barclay
08/28/07
I wish I could have some of those pancakes! I think this is a fantastic piece, I hope you win!
Jenny Fitch
08/29/07
I really like this concept - the blueberry pancakes as a memory trigger is great. Smell is so powerful!

There were times I was a little confused about whether or not she was in reality or having a memory - so a little more clarification in the transitions would be good.

Overall, a good job.