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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Write in the SCIENCE FICTION genre (05/10/07)
As the blue sun sets in the west, I made my way home from a long day of work. To a home I dreamed of as a small tiket, a place to call my own but this is not just my home but the home of something else.

My spinner and I agreed to get this teepe because it would not cost us anything but to stay out of the room. The room had golden links that kept it closed to us. We heard sounds of laughter and joy but; we could not enter into it.

One moment, while I was at home alone, there came a knock at my door. I looked out of the window and saw a strange elder at my door.

"Who are you?" I asked him.
"I'm Raider, I come to talk to you about the room," he said with smile on his face.

I open the door but everything inside me was telling me no. Was I just that curious about the room that I would let a stranger into my home.

He walked in and took my hand as it is our custom, and kneel to the floor.

"You may rise kind guess of mine," I said to him.

"Have you been in the room?" he asked.

"Oh no, we can't go into the room, for we will loses all that we have," I said getting a little worried.

"My tiket, you believe them. They did not tell you the truth at all. The room will give you great happiness that you have never known. I know that you have heard the laughter. Don't you want that happiness for you and your spinner? Don't just think of yourself." he said.

"No! I dare not disobey the counts!" I shouted at him.

"You can feel in your innerness that it's not true, he said.

After many moments, I decide to open the door to the room. As I walk closer to the door and look at each link I had to unhook, I felt a calming coming over me. I reach for the first link and a gentle wind went across my face.
I slowly took the second link away and the door to the room flew open and the wind put me into it.

My innerness was being torn out of my body as I glance at the elder laughing at me, I realize that his laughter was the one that I always heard coming from the room.

Don't let a promise of happiness by a stranger cause you to loses your innner peace.
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This article has been read 866 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Sharon Henderson
05/17/07
Good story. Good moral.

Quite a few typos. Another person recently suggested a good idea...that writers have their articles proofed before submitting.
Dan Louise Mann
05/23/07
I like your entry. I think you have a vision here of a future world that I didn't quite understand. We often get so close to our writing that we don't see that an outsider might not be able to share in what we see.

The verb tense and typos do make it a little harder to read through, but that being said, it gave the piece almost a sweet innocence. I liked the idea of unlocking links to get to the room, and your character's sudden realization that the laughter always heard in the room was actually only that elder was a good line.

I think you could expand this a little more and give us more details, more insights into your vision of this world, and it would heighten the reader's enjoyment of it. Kudos to you, and keep writing. Much promise here.