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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Shopping (03/01/07)
Emily was very happy to be out by herself. She smiled at the male cardinal singing to her from the old oak tree. “Thank you for this day, Lord,” Emily prayed. “Thank you for the crisp spring air and the song of this beautiful bird.” She knew that bird was singing to welcome spring as much as he was singing to welcome her into this new season of her life.
Emily was only going to the local market to buy something for dinner. However, she rejoiced at her ability to make this trek by herself. It had been a year and a half since she had made an outing like this without the help of her daughter, Sarah.
Emily parked the car as far from the grocery store as she thought she might be able to walk. She contemplated bringing the spare cane she had placed in the trunk, but assured herself she would be fine leaning on the shopping carriage as she walked.
Emily practiced coordinating her steps with the pushing of the shopping cart through the produce aisle. It was harder than she thought it would be and required a great deal of concentration. She focused on her steps and laughed out loud. She was 37 but thought she walked now like she was 73.
Lyme Disease had ravaged Emily’s neurological and muscular system. She had learned to walk again, learned to laugh again, and learned to see the world in a new way.
She walked slower now, but she was glad. Now she actually noticed people and watched their faces.
Emily pushed her cart to the milk aisle as she remembered they were out of the soy milk that her husband, Tom, liked with his morning cereal. She knew it would be heavy to lift, but was determined to get into her cart. “Together we can do this, Lord,” Emily prayed as she lifted the carton of milk with both hands.
Emily was more tired than she realized she would be. She felt a sense of accomplishment as she walked triumphantly to the first available cash register. She watched as the elderly man in front of her paid the cashier. She wondered if shopping was difficult for him, too. Carefully, she placed her cold items on the belt first. She felt the cashier watching her as if to hurry her as she finished putting the last box on the belt.
Emily smiled at the cashier, wishing her a pleasant day. She wished she had parked a little closer to the store as she wheeled her bagged items to the car. Then, she noticed the elderly man who had gone before her in the check out line. He was slowly loading his groceries into the back seat of his old beat up car.
Emily stopped behind the man’s car. “Excuse me sir,” she said loudly, “Would you like me to take care of this empty cart for you?”
The elderly man shut his car door and turned to face Emily. “I sure would, Miss. My legs are killing me,” he smiled.
Emily pulled her own grocery cart out of the way, and took the gentleman’s cart all the way back to the store. “One step at a time, Lord” she breathed, “You lead me one step at a time.”
“Before I was afflicted I went astray: but now have I kept thy word.” Psalm 119:67 KJV
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This article has been read 881 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Jacquelyn Horne
03/09/07
Good story. Enjoyed walking through this story with Emily. Good writing.
Marilee Alvey
03/10/07
Good title. Very fitting. This is a great description of what it feels like to be young and have trouble doing everyday things. We don't realize what we have until we lose it. Good point. I could really relate to this story. Yesterday I went to the grocery store with my Mother-in law. She was too proud to take a motorized cart, so I took one and rode in it, hoping to scoop her up when she tired. However, I ended up riding it throughout the store. People I knew wondered what was the matter with me. The cart went SO slowly. It seemed to be running out of juice, or else I was too heavy! It crawled. I felt the pain of being unable to do easy things. One thing for improvement: get a book on grammar to have. Look at the way paragraphs are set apart from each other (or look in a book and observe.) This will keep your message easy to read for your readers. Thanks for the great message!
Clyde Blakely
03/12/07
Wonderful story and insight. Read well with good flow. Could follow the characters easily.

Been there, done that. It makes life so much better to "see" people. I agree with the title, very appropriate. God bless and keep writing.
Donna Powers
03/15/07
A very good description of her inner thoughts. Easy to relate to and interesting to read. I loved the ending and the title. Well done
Phyllis Inniss 
03/15/07
An interesting walk with Emily, sharing her thoughts. It allows us to remember "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."
Deborah Porter 
03/20/07
April, this was a very good first attempt at the Challenge. Welcome to FaithWriters.

I have heard of Lyme Disease, but had no idea what it did to the body. Taking that first trip back to the shops helped understand just a little bit of what it must be like for people with this illness. It made me wonder if you have personal experience with it.

The ending was wonderful. The judges on duty each week rate the entries in nine different criteria (you can find out more about these by visiting the FaithWriters Message Boards). One of the rating criteria is to do with how well an entry finished. I have to say that you finished your entry in a really uplifting, inspirational, just plain feel good way. Well done.

From a critique point of view, there is one thing in particular that you did that would have been better avoided. Out of approximately 12 paragraphs, you started all but 2 of them with the word "Emily." If you try to avoid using the same word to start your paragraphs too often, or too close together, it will immediately make your writing stronger.

But, as I said, I actually really liked this little piece. That ending was so special, and it was a nice take on the topic of "shopping." I hope you'll keep entering the Challenge and using it as a tool to hone your blossoming skill as a writer.

With love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)