The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 1789 times
Member Comments
I like that you used a fictional famous character to influence other fictional famous people. What a different place the world might be if this happened more often. I saw a couple of grammatical errors, but all in all, this was a good piece, and one that made me really stop and think. Kudos!
Wow! Great message that can transcend to what we all are doing here as FaithWriters.

One thing that was a little difficult was keeping all of the characters straight in my mind. Focusing on the essential characters (Laura your narrator, Jelena, Nick) and mentioning the others briefly might help, and then you can develop the main characters a little easier.

I really liked the dialogue, especially the interaction between Laura and Jelena toward the end. That section packed a punch! Blessings!
I like your tagless dialog, but it was confusing in a few places--for example:

“Why are you still in this band?” I mentally gave her points for bluntness, scrambling for a suitable answer. The "I" here seems to indicate that your narrator made this speech, but I don't think that's the case. I think the action sentence goes with the next bit of dialog.

A great example of being salt and light in the world.
Great message. As others have said, it was a bit confusing in places, but over all a very enjoyable read.
Great witnessing piece! I enjoyed the banter among the characters. Nice job!
A good witness and a thought-provoking piece. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing it.
Very good story - but a few things confused me:
I had assumed the "band" was a high school marching band since a teacher asked them to talk with a dance troop. (I'm also assuming "Mrs. Darien" is their teacher, but you never say.)
How did Nick know that Jelena had "become all religious"? She didn't say anything to make him think that. Maybe she is famous for it, like Jane Fonda?
When Jelena asked Laura why she didn't drop out of the band, her answer was that she was a Christian (ok) but then said "I don’t believe that God wants me to use…or dress…my body that way.” This would seem like a reason why she WOULD drop out.

I liked this line from Jelena: “There’s a fine line between ‘hot’ and ‘cool’.”
VERY true! And I wanted "whack" NICK! What a smart-mouth. I wonder what Jelena whispered to him. Good characters, great message - keep writing!!!
I liked the message of this piece and the characters but overall found it confusing. I visualise stories and although I could see each scene clearly they seemd to jerk along rahter than smoothly connect. yeggy
I love the way this piece started! The message you draw out is great. I'd have liked, as the reader, to observe more of the dance, but hey, that's just me. Well done!
This is a good article for teens. A wonderful lesson and pov here.