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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Vision (08/03/06)
Angel walked along the sandy beach, taking in the sights and sounds around her. She could smell the distinct salty ocean smell in the air. She loved the hot sand on her feet, and she loved to watch the birds and sea-life all around her.

Oh, How I wish I could be a bird or a dolphin. I could swim or fly all day and not have a care about anything except how to eat and survive.

Her thoughts now consumed her much like the ocean just consumed a surfer. She stopped and wondered if the surfer was ok but she soon saw him pop up out of the water and he was now swimming back to the shore. Angel continued walking along the beach as the wind whipped her sundress around.

I used to think that when I got older I could do what I wanted and I wouldn’t have any consequences. That the only reason I had them as a kid was because I got caught doing something I wasn’t supposed to, or that my parents just had to punish me because that’s what parents do. I was dead wrong.

Angel was now a college student. She was on summer vacation and would soon start her second year at a very expensive four-year college. In her first year of college it was a whole new world. She had her very first serious relationship with a third year student. Her roommate, Lydia, turned out to be a great friend but she was a very religious girl.

Religion never entered Angel’s life, at least not until Lydia became her good friend. She never pushed religion on Angel and never preached at her, she was just there for her like a friend should be. Angel ended up attending church with Lydia and eventually gave her life to God. She then realized that the relationship she had with her boyfriend was not commendable.

I have to admit…I miss Jordan. He was a great boyfriend, although he did pressure me so many times. It was actually weird. Right after I became a Christian was when he started pressuring me, but before he didn’t. We never even talked about Sex before I became a Christian. I never told him I was a Christian until later, but I knew God was telling me that this was not a good relationship and that it’s best that I break up with Jordan.

Angel’s goal was to become a great Christian and help others. She wanted to be there for many, many people. She knew it would be hard, but she knew she had to do it too.

I just have to be there for everyone and be a good role model. I need to help people find the Lord and realize that Jesus died for us. He loves us unconditionally and they need to know it.

Angel’s thoughts were now fading out of her mind and she was snapped back to reality. Her life past before her eyes as she lay on the Church floor. Her hand rose to her left shoulder and touched the bullet wound. Thoughts from that night now flooded her brain.

Everyone was having so much fun. The band was awesome and everyone was worshipping the Lord. Hands were raised and eyes were closed. Tears ran down every face as they silently prayed. It was the first week back to college and we were all celebrating our return. No one heard the men come in. We heard the gun shots echo through the Church, it sounded like a train was coming right at us at full speed.

Angel didn’t know how many were hurt or who was hurt. She twisted her head to see and she gasped. Her eyes were huge as fear was on her face.

Lydia!

Angel managed to reach over to Lydia and they held hands and cried a prayer.

“We don’t know why this has happened, Lord but we know you have a reason. If this is our time to leave earth and be in Heaven with you…We are ready to come home to you.”

Those were Angel’s last words as she and Lydia both quietly slipped away to Heaven to be with our Father God.
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This article has been read 1244 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Stacey LaMontagne
08/12/06
Whew! That was moving. I was not real thrilled with the way it went back and forth from her thoughts to a narrator and some of it was a bit redundant. I don't think the narrator should say the same thing she is thinking to herself. I do like the way it had a surprise ending. I was not prepared for that at all. With a little work this could be a very powerful story. Good job. I wonder if its true.
Philip Barnes
08/13/06
This was a moving piece. One of my professors in seminary was at the church in Fort Worth that was targeted by a gunman. Your story reminded me of some of the real life accounts from that incident. I know you used thoughts to act as dialogue but you blended the thoughts and the narration at times. Perhaps a different voice for the thoughts would have helped (first person).
Lisa Cox
08/14/06
This didnt sound like a beginners work. I didn't have a problem at all with your narrator and first person thoughts. I guess different things for different readers. It was very moving and I didn't expect the end. I know with more words you could have developed it more to your liking. Good Good story.

Lisa Cox
Allison Egley 
08/14/06
I really liked this piece. I can only hope that I had even 1/2 of the impact that Lydia had on my non-Christian roommates and suite mates. None of them ever came to church with me or became Christians while we were roommates, but I can always hope I had an impact on them. Thanks for the great read.
Rita Garcia
08/14/06
Mastercrafted! You painted a vivid picture, I was right there reaching our for lydia. There other comment is correct, this does not belong in Beg.
Sue Dent
08/14/06
Well, look at you grow! That was certainly a tough style to try and tackle for a beginner but you show GREAT promise!! More, more!!!
Sue Dent
08/14/06
Me! Me! You wrote about me! A creative being screaming to be noticed, uncertain of their calling at times. This is in beginners?! What? I really enjoy how you tell a story with this style of writing. Beutimus!! That's a word, really it is!!!
Sue Dent
08/14/06
Okay, no, I'm not crazy. Something got messed up! That last comment was for another entry. Yet the first one was for this entry. Now I'm going to point to this comment from the other entry!!!
Shari Armstrong 
08/14/06
It was a little confusing at times, maybe have more "show" instead of "tell" and some dialog. But a very nice start to a possibly longer piece.
Jan Ross
08/14/06
This was definitely a challenge to write in the beginner's category. You did well with the dialogue and narrative. With some work and without the 750-word limit, you could really have a nice story. The ending was a little "story-book" ... if you could end it with a not-so-pat ending, it would enhance the effect of your story. Nice job! :)
Virginia Gorg
08/15/06
Excellent piece. A bit narrator heavy, but I see a great story here. It flows well and has an overall easy read. Nicely done. :)
Val Clark
08/15/06
I loved the way you set the scene, appealing to several senses made it very real for me. It's good to see you take on a bigger chunk of the word count. Very unexpected ending! Well done for that creative twist. As this is a short story you need to work out what is absolutely essential to say rather than try to tell a life's story in a limited word count. Big smiles, yeggy.


Joanne Sher 
08/15/06
Very nicely done!!! Definitely surprised by the ending - great twist! Very good title - fit your piece perfectly!