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When I feel pain, writing helps me to heal.


Darkness Calls
By Ann Marie "Ree" Brown
December 2, 2003


I don't like this feeling I feel inside. The path I'm beginning to travel seems too familiar. The kind of familiar that screams at me, "Stop, put on the brakes and turn around!" I don't like this road because I've traveled down it many times before. Feelings of anger, disappointment, and resent overwhelm me.

I'm mad at family, friends, life, people, situations, myself, and the list goes on. I'm not mad at God, but when I feel this way I turn away from Him. I know if I could turn to Him, He would be there to provide me guidance, give me hope, and surround me with love,...but I'm stubborn. I want to be bitter, disappointed, angry, and live in my own self-centered pity world.

Last year, the month of November was a horrible time in so many ways. My life was falling apart and a very close friend committed suicide. The year that followed has been a very difficult one but I've made it through with the Lord by my side. The past month, I was too busy, stressed out, and sick to deal with feelings and along comes the anniversary of my friends' death.

Not even one person in my life remembered the pain I dealt with regarding last November enough to call me, send me a note, or e-mail. I feel bitterness. I know that's not fair, but it is just how I feel. When everyone else failed me the other day, God was there. I turned to Him just enough to make it through. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling, but I know that the year anniversary of Chris' death is tearing me up inside.

I want to cry, but just can't seem to. I want to scream, but don't. I want to reach out and let people know how much I hurt, but I want them to reach out first. I want to take a break from my busy schedule to deal with my pain, but can't find the time. Instead, I want to shut everyone out, so I do. I want to pretend I'm not in pain, so I only face it when I'm alone. I want to be angry, so I am. I want to turn away from what I know, so I sulk in my sorrow.

God is here with me, but I won't look to Him. I wonder sometimes, when we know the truth, how can we put ourselves through the pain of turning away from Him? How can we stay in our shallow, miserable existence when we know He will set our hearts free? How can we live for Him, when we get so caught up in our own selfish pain? Even when I know it is the answer, why won't I just turn to Him, seek Him, ask Him, and turn all my cares to Him? I guess I just don't know the answer,...except this one, the darkness is calling me.

Copyright 2003, Ann Marie "Ree" Brown, all rights reserved.

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