Short Dramas and Plays
WEDDING HECKLERS
By David Ian
ANDREA (or Andy)
BRITTNEY (or Brett)
ANNOUNCER
HECKLER #1 (female)
HECKLER #2 (male)
PASTOR
(Establishing SFX: Coffee shop – silverware on dishes, walking of waitress’ heels, possibly cook’s “Order up!”)
ANDREA
Well, my “ex” is getting married today.
BRITTNEY:
You mean the one that dropped you for that aerobics instructor?
ANDREA
Yeah. It was pretty ugly at the end.
BRITTNEY:
I don’t suppose you got an invite to the “blessed event”?
ANDREA: (bitter laugh)
No. It was “decided” on his part that it would probably be best if I “didn’t make an appearance.”
BRITTNEY:
Gotta get that last dig at you before moving on, eh?
ANDREA:
Yeah, well, that’s okay. I sent a “Wedding Heckler” to the ceremony.
BRITTNEY:
Wedding Heckler?
ANDREA:
Yes, it’s a new service from Sour Grapes Nuptials.
(SFX: Coffee shop end)
ANNOUNCER:
Yes, Sour Grapes Nuptials presents “Wedding Hecklers”
(MUSIC: Wedding March, interspersed with bad chords every now and then)
ANNOUNCER:
Well-verbally armed, sarcastic, biting-wit loudmouths who say exactly what you’d like to say at just the right moment during your former loved ones’ happiest moment.
HECK 1:
This guy’s got “Deadbeat Dad” written all over him!
ANNOUNCER:
We’re proud to present our quality line of Wedding Hecklers to speak for you when you can’t be there.
HECK 2:
Do you think she could be marrying for money? Nooooo! Not possible! GOLD DIGGER!!!!
ANNOUNCER:
Specially trained and certified for churches, synagogues and civil ceremonies.
HECK 1:
I’m surprised you picked a judge! He might know the groom’s PROBATION OFFICER! The bum…
(SFX: Coffee shop again)
BRITTNEY:
Wedding hecklers! What a great idea.
ANDREA:
Yeah, and the aerobic instructor’s ex-boyfriend sent his Wedding Heckler there, too.
BRITTNEY:
(SFX: Coffee shop end)
ANNOUNCER:
And now you can. For a small extra fee, we’ll digitally record the ceremony so you can have a front row seat, over and over again.
(MUSIC: Light sustained organ church chords under throughout)
PASTOR: (soft voice)
To have and to hold--
HECK1:
Yeah, until he starts “holding” onto the secretary again! Or didn’t he tell you about that little – air quote—“Misunderstanding”.
PASTOR:
In sickness and in health--
HECK2:
And especially those TIMELY HEADACHES when things start getting romantic, HAH!
PASTOR:
For richer or poorer--
HECK1:
Better be ready for POOR, sister! This bum couldn’t support a schnauzer!
PASTOR:
‘til death do you part…
HECK2:
Or her COOKING! SAME THNG!
HECK1:
The bridesmaid! The bridesmaid! He’s eyeing the BRIDESMAID! Pig!
HECK 2:
GET A PRENUP — GET A PRENUP!
ANNOUNCER:
Wedding Hecklers, from Sour Grapes Nuptials.
(MUSIC: Up and out)
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Oh my. I am cracking up!!!!
Hehehehe
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