Marriage

A NEW BEGINNING

by Ezekiel Olukolajo
07/07/22
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A NEW BEGINNING

Hope for Young Widows Who Desire New Love Life and Fresh Beginning

Whether at young or old age, losing a spouse is not something anyone desires. Yes, we all know that death is inevitable, but when death suddenly brings permanent separation between married couples, who have lived and shared their lives together for some years, the pains and consequences of that separation can be devastating. 

Upon the passing of one of the partners in a marriage relationship, the marriage covenant is automatically dissolved, and the living partner is at liberty to remarry. The Bible does not leave us in darkness as to the fact that the surviving partner has absolute freedom to remarry and move on with life. In fact, the Bible (1Timothy 5:14) strongly encourages widows, especially the young ones, to find new love, remarry, bear children (if they so desire) and start life afresh. However, this may not be always that easy for different factors and reasons.  

For men who lost their wives, it’s usually not a difficult thing to move on. Statistics have overwhelmingly established that men who lost their wives do not find it difficult to remarry and move on after the death of their spouses. In fact, greater percentage of men would likely remarry within 6months and 2years after the death of their wives. On the other hand, the case is totally different with women when they lose their husbands. Most widows end up singles and not remarrying, not because they do not desire to, but because of certain factors, ranging from cultural to social, to religious, to economic etc.

On matter of remarrying after the passing of a partner, most people feel that the system is “unfair” to women. While I am fully aware that there could be very strong social, cultural and economic factors that could make most widows (especially the ones who already have children), settle down for the single life after the death of their husbands, I still strongly believe that nothing should stand in the way of any widow (especially the young widows), who desires to find new love, remarry and start a new life. It should be understood and appreciated that the Bible does not encourage young widows to remain unmarried after the passing of their husbands. In fact, the recommendation of the Bible is that “young widows should remarry” and never seek pleasure (sexual fulfillment) outside of the legitimate confinements of marriage, for that would be a sin against God.

For young women who lost their husbands, widowhood at very young age can be very challenging. Many young widows desire to remarry, but have too much concerns about many things. I admit that some of these concerns may be genuine, but they should not stand in the way of any widow who desires new love life and fresh beginning. For instance, one of the silent concerns that most young widows (especially those who already have children) may have in some cultures, could be that of “what will people say”; won’t people ask questions like “what else is she looking for after two, three or four children”? The most appropriate answer to this concern is a simple question: is marriage relationship all about bearing children? Beyond child-bearing, there are other vital needs that only marriage companionship can meet. Also, it is hi time you totally forgot about what people would say. Listen, let people say whatever they want to say, you can’t keep living your life for other people; you’re not in any bondage, and should be free to take decisions that you are convinced about. If you find a God-fearing man who truly loves you the way you are, please forget about people and seek fulfillment for the rest of your life in line with God’s word.   

In addition, many young widows are not thinking about remarriage because they are “too much in love” with their late husbands that they think they can’t find a “replacement”. Of course, the new man that you would find, can never be a replacement for your late spouse. No matter how much you are “in love” with your late husband, the reality is that he’s gone, and the only thing you have left is the memory. However, that memory should not stand in your way of finding new beginning, because, following the passing of your husband, your emotional needs, sexual orgies and desires for companionship did not die, they’re still fully alive waiting to be met. Seeking remarriage after the death of your husband, is necessarily not because of child bearing, there are other vital emotional needs and desires to be met. Finding fulfillment in the rest of your life is a major thing that must be put into the equation.

One reason the Bible discourages young widows from not remarrying is because of the natural desires for intimacy and companionship. On fulfillment of sexual orgies and desires, the Bible (1Coritnthians 7:8-9) says “it is better to marry than to burn”. There have been common cases of young widows seeking sexual intimacy through extra-marital relationship; it should be understood that God is totally against adultery, fornication and all forms of sexual immorality. There is no need for being hypocritical about anything, if you know you are “burning inside”, rather than seeking sexual fulfillment outside of marriage, why not properly seek a legitimate relationship and start a new love life. I know the issue of sexual intimacy and companionship may not be a big concern for old widows, but the case is not the same for young widows.    

Another concern of young widows (especially those who have underage children) is that of finding a man that would be ready to accept, love, care for and take responsibilities for the children just as his own. I believe, with God nothing is impossible! However, it is advisable that you don’t set your expectations too high. The reality is that no matter how good or loving the man may be, truth is that he is not, and can never be exactly like the father of your children. If a man knows that you have children and is ready to marry you, you should also manage your expectations properly. When things don’t turn out exactly the way you had anticipated, the most advisable thing to do is to try and manage the situation by creating and activating some kind of support system that would help your children navigate the paths, at least, till they become independent. There will always be need for adjustments, and you should prepare your mind and the mind of your children for this.    

Again, one of the common concerns of most young widows, is around the fact that they can’t be “going round” looking and searching for suitors. Yeah, it’s true the Bible says “He that finds a wife…” and NOT “she that finds a husband”. However, it is advisable that young widows intentionally put themselves in the midst of correct network, associations and relationships (I’m necessarily not recommending online search platforms please) that could assist and facilitate their meeting the right and genuine individuals who could be their suitors. This was exactly what helped Ruth, the Moabite woman (a young widow), after she returned to Bethlehem of Judah with Naomi, her mother-in-law (Ruth 2:1-end; 3). Ruth went out to glean at the time of harvest, and by divine providence, she came to glean in the field of Boaz, who eventually became her husband. Like Ruth, you also may have “to go out”, while trusting the Lord to connect you to the right man. “Going out” may mean, coming out of your shell, and intentionally putting yourself within the network or association of correct people. You can’t continue to be in “mourning mood” for the rest of your life.

We won’t forget the fact that economic factor is also a major concern. One of the reasons most young widows don’t even attempt to seek remarriage after the passing of their husbands, despite the fact that they really desire to, borders on economic considerations. The apprehension here is always around not being regarded as a burden or parasite on any man. In fact, it is a popular opinion that most men would avoid marrying widows (especially those with young and underage children) because they ‘re not ready to assume responsibility or take over “baggage”. My belief is that where God kind of love truly exists, this should not be a big deal, but then, it’s advisable that you also work around possible ways of enhancing your financial capability, at least to shoulder the responsibility of your growing children. I am fully aware that this may be extremely challenging, especially for uneducated, unskilled and “full house wives” widows, who are not economically empowered on their own, but majorly depended on their late husbands as the breadwinner of the house. It is for this reason it’s advisable that both couple in a marriage are financially empowered because of any eventuality.      

It’s important that widows, especially the younger ones, be ready to open up and have honest discussions about their inner struggles and feelings. They can find respected people and spiritual leaders, who would provide them practical advice on navigating the paths. It’s of no use living in denial or self-deceit, you don’t want to live with inner struggles and tussles the rest of your life. If you don’t desire a new beginning as a young widow, you may not know how easy it could be to find one. I believe in the power of prayer and faith. With faith, prayers and practical steps, you can have a new beginning after the passing of your spouse.    

Pastors and church leaders have a big role to play, and must be intentional about assisting young widows seek new beginning through remarriage. This can be through proper pastoral counseling, prayers, advice and encouragement, just like Naomi helped Ruth navigate her way out of widowhood to a joyful and fulfilling married life. Of course, pastors should not attempt to assume roles of “match-makers”, but they can do a lot in helping young widows within their domain to “glean in the right field”.

One major secret of the new beginning God gave to Ruth as a young widow is located in her virtue, godliness and faith in God. When Ruth left Moab for Bethlehem Judah, her burning desire was actually not marriage, but God of Israel. In addition, Ruth was an embodiment of character and virtue. Beyond beauty, her godliness and virtues paved the way for the new beginning she received. It is instructive that Boaz had this to say about Ruth: “And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust”. (Ruth 2:11-12).  

May the Lord provide great and enduring wings for all widows, especially the young ones, who desire to find new love, remarry and have a new beginning in Jesus’ name. Amen!

Ezekiel Olukolajo
Copyright July 2022. 
Contact: [email protected]