Humor

The Virus From Hell

by Brother Carlton 
08/07/20
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This coronavirus is the strangest virus I’ve ever heard about.

It’s very dangerous in the way it spreads. It is so mysterious the way it lurks in schools, but then dies at Home Depot.

It can wreak havoc in churches; praying people are exceptionally vulnerable! Although it’s mind-boggling how it vanishes when people stand close together holding signs, destroying businesses, homes, property, monuments, etc. via Antifa and Black Lives Matter.  Yet, standing to watch a marathon or a concert triggers its wrath.

It also targets schools and churches because it knows that traditionally that is where people go to the voting polls and it seems to want mail-in voting.

It is sneaky.

It can spread when buying clothes at Kohl’s but not at Target. It is non-alcoholic. It can’t spread when you are buying beer. It lives for two days on Amazon boxes, you must wait 48 hours to touch them but it can’t survive on Dunkin Donuts coffee cups, so enjoying a hot cup of joe is safe.

It is the most curious thing, how it lives on basketballs, baseball bats and ballet bars, but dies on WWE ropes and Walmart shopping carts. It is spread by hair stylists, dog groomers, and dentists, but not by bank tellers, cashiers, and fast food workers.

It’s so smart.

It won’t bother the first 10 people gathered but it knows when the 11th person shows up, so be careful if that’s you.! It even knows what you want vs. what you need. If you want a massage or your nails done it is very actively on the prowl and not even a mask can stop it, but if you need a plumber, it is weak, and a mask will keep it away.

It also seems to be most dangerous after 5:30pm so businesses must start to close before the virus comes out of hiding and wreaks havoc upon the populations. It also requires dine-in restaurants to have a shorter menu and you use real plates but only plastic forks and spoons.

Whoever heard of such a clever, sneaky virus?!?

The author of this is unknown and I took the liberty of altering it just a bit but I thought most Faithwriters would enjoy it's satire.