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Pre-mature parental responsibilities
"Start children off on the way they should go..." (Proverbs 6:22). "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged" (Colossians 3:21).
"Fix it Janice, fix it please! You're the reason there is unease." Those were the thoughts running through my head as a child. As a child, I couldn't verbalise my thoughts, neither could I ease the pain I felt. So I lived with feeling ashamed of the 'me' I was getting to know.
I shared the above in part one, which is the theme of this series. In part two, my focus is on parental responsibilities.
Childhood Years -- Fear:
I have three sisters by my mother. The two middle ones have the same father but their father and Mother's relationship failed and they came to join my grandparents and I. I had to play the mother role not the big sister role I was meant to and would have liked to play. When they misbehaved, I was to blame So I thought it was my responsibility to fix it.
When homework wasn't done, or chores were ignored, when they weren't ready on time, I had to give an account. It was part of my duties, I had to fix it.
Teen Years -- Anxiety:
So when their teenage rebellious years started, I felt I was to blame and so I needed to fix it. So I kept on trying to fix it.
Adult Years -- Guilt:
When their young adult years kicked in and they seemed to be making all the mistakes a parent prays their children would avoid, I began to feel the pain and guilt of failure too, realising I wasn't equipped to fix it. History was repeating itself, "they're following in their parents footsteps. I have failed them. I cannot fix it."
The Analysis:
I was the eldest child, trying to raise two other children. I was not equipped for such a demanding, challenging, and stressful role. It simply wasn't my responsibility. I couldn't fix it.
I had become so familiar with playing the mothering role that I didn't know how to be a friend or relate to others without trying to exercise those motherly characteristics. One friend wished me a happy 'Mother's Day' some years ago and said, "You even tried to mother me once." It helped me to realise why a member of my extended family once rejected an advice I gave, saying, "...You're not my mother!"
As much as I was hurt by what was said at the time, and as much as my heart aches seeing the negative consequences of that member's choice playing out in their life today, that individual was correct. I was not the mother. I was not given parental responsibility for them.
Slowly, I began to retrain my mind to see the different relationships for what they were and respond in the right manner. It is still a challenging task.
Anger:
Why was I left to carry such a heavy load? It was never the call of an older sibling to take on a parenting role. How can a child be expected to play the role of a parent and do it effectively?
I couldn't fix it. It was never my responsibility. I wasn't the one given the responsibility to train them up. So why did I feel the need to fix it? It appeared that I was responsible for what was broken but I didn't break it--it was never whole in the first place. The house was never built from the start. Why did I assume the responsibility of fixing it?
Advice to parents:
I hope I can reach a parent today. If you have been called to raise up children, please understand the importance of such responsibility. Think carefully before taking a long distance job where you may have no choice but to leave the parenting responsibilities to an older child on a regular basis.
Think about their place of importance in connection with your career and choose wisely. If you need to make adjustments in the early stages of the children's upbringing don't see it as a negative. Their training far outweighs the financial benefits for those few years of not climbing the career ladder.
Try not to put your friends, your job, career or voluntary activities before their needs. Their emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual needs should not be ignored. If they feel that you care about the needs of others above theirs they will grow up lacking the very thing they'll need to survive out in the big wide world once they leave home.
They need to feel secure in your presence. They need to know that they can trust you with their hearts. They need to feel your warm embrace to feel loved and accepted. They need to know that you will correct them when they are wrong.
Your children need to grow up feeling secured, knowing that when they think of home they'll have happy memories. Then when they begin their own journey, away from the comfort of home, they will look forward to returning home and can truly breathe a sigh of "Home sweet home!" from the stresses of life when they visit.
Home was meant to be our 'happy place' yet so many children prefer to hang out at malls rather than heading home. More and more children are reported to be depressed. Some children can't wait to grow up and leave home because they don't feel at home in their own homes.
So much more could be said but until next time, I will simply encourage you, if you are a parent, to find time for your children. It is a sad case to work all hours saying that you're doing it for them while they are thinking you do not care.
However little the time you have to spend with them make it special, make it their time. Do not share it with the iPhones, iPads etc. unless you are playing a game together or other activities. What you do with the time you have with them is what makes the difference. Think quality.
Christian parents, you are to draw from the well of understanding and train up your children according to the instructions of God's Word:
Proverbs 6:22, "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it."
Ephesians 6:4 "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
Colossians 3:21 "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."
Moses stated to the Israelites: "These are the commands, decrees and laws the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live...These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children." (Deut. 6:1-2 & 6-7).
We are the generation referred to as 'their children after them.' May we heed God's Word and be true representatives of Christ in our parenting.
Copyright 2015, Janice S. Ramkissoon
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