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A child's innocence was stolen, she was just a teenage girl. Nine months later a baby was born into a house that was not yet built. Born to a teenager, still living under parental guidance. That baby was the offspring of a man who hid because of his guilt.
Fix it Janice, fix it please! You are the reason there's so much unease. But I couldn't verbalize my thoughts or ease the pain, So I lived with feeling ashamed of me.
I thought I knew what would ease the pain, Bringing Mom and Dad together that would make everything okay. My grandmother would regularly take me on a journey To see my father, who lived very far away.
Though each visit took a whole day, I wanted to see that look on my father's face, So Granny and I persisted. One day at a time was a very small price to pay, To feel loved and accepted.
My search was unsuccessful. Giving up on finding Dad was not my intention, I still had hope that one day, he would be found. Through death of the people who knew my father, I lost all connection.
Then death also brought a closure to my dream of meeting my father, He made a choice, in my childhood, to hide. He never once showed his face. Consumed by guilt he stayed out of my life.
I never will have a relationship with my dad. He never intended on fathering me. My mother's destiny was not tied to his. He was never the one to care for me.
Dear Friends,
This is where my pain stems from. Each day I'm reminded of my lack in some way. It can be very depressing to focus on that part of my life, so I try to use my pain to help others.
Maybe a father who has neglected his child or children will read this message and make a change. Years passed and I started my own journey in helping to building a family. As my family developed, that longing for parental guidance returned. But the crave for a father's love was strongest. That emptiness was still there and I began that journey of finding dad all over again. I was finally successful in making a connection after an advertisement my husband placed in a newspaper. I was able to speak with him on the phone. I had a brief encounter with my dad and began dreaming once more of what could have been but it was never meant to be. We were never to meet.
Father's Day brings unhappy memories of my childhood. My father's absence resulted in various consequences: a very needy child who tries to hold on to any form of love shown towards her even to the point of accepting abusive behaviour from individuals believing I don't have the right to reject the abusive behaviour.
Another consequence is that it left my mother broken from the violent crime against her. She still hasn't learned how to release the pain. She never heard sorry. She never received counselling. She lived with shame, even though she was the one abused. She never recovered. A root of bitterness sprung up within her and she stopped living. She got stuck in the grieving process and never received her healing. As a result, she could not show motherly love and she failed to accept a child born as a consequence of such violations. Lacking that emotional connection from my mother, I now have a difficult time celebrating Mother's Day.
I have, in the past, found it difficult attending women's fellowship, women's conferences or any type of women's events. I often become tearful or end up very angry as mothers and grandmothers share their joys or disappointments of that season of their lives. It affects the relationship I have with others, particularly with my in-laws and church family. I try not to get too deep anymore because I don't want to bare my soul and they leave me hanging, not knowing what to say or do which then bring on that feeling of rejection. I did that several times before and it placed a strain on the relationship between myself and those individuals.
Maybe a mother who have been suffering the consequences of being abused may read this piece and recognise the need to seek help to deal with the pain, be healed and turn over a new leaf. A single mother can only do the best in parenting as a mother and no more. A mother raising her children on her own cannot be their children's father or teach them what they can only learn by watching a father in action. It saddens me when I hear mothers saying, "I've been their mother and father all their lives."
Maybe there is a child who have had a similar experience and need to know that they are not alone, it's okay to cry and release the pain. It's okay to share with someone who cares. It's okay to accept the help that God provides through others and be thankful for such blessings. This is partly how Psalm 27:10 is manifested in our lives, "Though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me."
You may have opened your heart to a friend or family member you trusted but they later wanted nothing to do with the situation, it hurts but we must be grateful for the time they offered to listen or the time they tried to help. Try not to stay angry with them, it was never their responsibility in the first place. Thank God for the time they gave you. Be thankful that you have moved a little further on the road towards healing. God will continue to provide for you on the journey.
Your grief may also be overlooked by loved ones and it will add to your pain. Not recognising what's taking place, they may falsely accuse you. Try not to retaliate, it only makes matters worse. I've been there. It never resolves the issue. It will simply escalate and you'll be seen as disrespectful. You were trying to fix it so that you could stay within the circle yet such actions may find you back where you started--feeling rejected, unloved.
So here are some verses to hold dear to your heart, knowing that you are more than a conqueror. Read Philippians 4:8 to understand what you need to focus on in order to not sink into a depressive state of mind. Read Romans 8:28-39 to understand that God will take your pain and use it for good. Therefore, not even the pain of rejection is able to separate you from His love. You can make it through the painful days. You can live a fulfilled life according to John 10:10. You cannot fix it, only God can. He can fix your broken heart if you give Him the broken pieces.
Psalm 27:10-14 says, "Though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me. Teach me your way, LORD; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. Do not hand me over to the desires of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, spouting malicious accusations. I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
Copyright 2015, Janice S. Ramkissoon
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Blessings,
Helen