Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: CONTROL (02/18/21)
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TITLE: Control Your Eating, Young Lady! | Previous Challenge Entry
By Mariane Holbrook
02/25/21 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
"What happened?" the doctor asked, frowning. "You need to get control of your eating."
He ran off the frightening statistics of morbid obesity, then reviewed my prescription drugs and made a comment that startled me:
"This drug is known as the 'Fat Pill.' Many patients have reported significant weight gains after taking it. Let's try something else instead."
"Well, yes!" I thought. "Why didn't he mention this possibility 8 months ago, before I gained 40 pounds."
He wrote another prescription and I left his office depressed but determined.
Stopping at the grocery store, I met a friend who looked so thin that I barely recognized her. After I told her of my doctor's visit, she gave me a printed copy of a diet that she credited with her weight loss, explaining that the following foods were forbidden: meat, dairy products, bread, flour, sugar, and ice cream.
The idea was to forego everything that has a face. Cows have faces; so, no beef. Fish have faces; so, no fillets. Pigs have faces; so, no pork. Chickens have faces; so no poultry. I agreed to try it.
My detractors (who amounted to everyone I knew) later taunted me with reminders that potatoes have eyes, corn has ears, artichokes have hearts and lettuce has a head, but I ignored their feeble attempts at humor.
I discussed the diet with my friend, Doris, who tried to talk me out of it by sending me a corned beef and cabbage recipe. It read in part, "boil head 10 minutes, then put in baking dish." I reasoned that if I boiled my head for 10 minutes, I wouldn't have enough sense to even FIND a baking dish. So she sent me another recipe for Southern Corn Bake. After combining all the ingredients, the recipe stated: "Stand in pan of hot water and bake 'til firm." Oh sure; right after I boil my head for 10 minutes.
The authors of my new diet advocated buying organic foods and warned about the dangers of pesticides and preservatives which cause everything from Cancer and Canker Sores to Corneal Arcus and Chikungunya Fever.
I was now determined. I would take control of my eating habits, so every morning I drank something straight from the pasture: Barley Green. My stomach screamed, "I AM NOT A COW!" This was the stuff of which bovine cuds were made. I made a mental note not to visit Grandma's farm for the duration.
Lunch consisted of a monstrous green salad made of endive, parsley, Romaine lettuce, sprouts, toasted soybeans, broccoli, and cauliflower in a dishpan-size bowl. Forget Blue Cheese Dressing or garlic croutons. To get this down, I drizzled a little Flax Seed Oil and Bragg's liquid aminos over it all. After eating so much, I couldn't move from the couch until after 4 pm.
Then I was treated with a fresh juice of carrots, celery, beets, and apples. It was good except for turning my face bright orange, prompting little boys in the mall to stare and point at me, begging their mamas to buy them early Halloween masks like mine.
Before dinner, I leaned over the sink to drink some more Barley Green, grinning through green-stained teeth like a giant herbivore monster beamed in from Planet Verdant.
A wonderful fruit salad at dinner saved the day: cantaloupe, blueberries, apples, bananas, oranges, grapes, and plums.
The problem was the Barley Green which still foamed up from my stomach keeping me from eating much.
With one more carrot drink to go before bedtime, I waddled my bloated, sloshing self to my recliner to watch television through slitted eyes.
I looked at my two-year-old son, so lean and healthy, and wondered if I should try his diet instead.
For breakfast, he'd eaten 1 pancake, soaked in syrup; a glass of milk stuffed with the pancake, 2 pennies, and a belt loop.
For lunch, it was half of a baloney sandwich covered with a glass of chocolate milk, part of a shoelace, and a bean stuffed up his nose.
At dinner, he'd enjoyed a carrot stick dunked in a half cup of sugar, apple juice mixed with creamed corn and a paper napkin which he spread generously over the dog.
Maybe I should try drinking some liquid eggplant, parsnips, and bok choy.
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Having chosen to move to a whole-food-plant-based lifestyle I can extol its virtues all day long.
Fun read, thank you!