Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Much Ado about Nothing (not about the play) (07/28/11)
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TITLE: Dust | Previous Challenge Entry
By Benjamin Graber
07/30/11 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
Hidden in a chest,
Embracing sin to wear her pleasures
Pinned upon my breast.
The brigands came to steal my wealth
With hunger in their eyes,
I gave my blood to purge their filth
And justly kept my prize.
The fires came to cleanse my soul
By kindling my hoard,
But I ran in and tasted hell
That it might be restored.
When all the trials had finally ceased
I went to feed my lust—
Alas! My greed was not appeased;
The chest was full of dust!
Alas! I gave my soul for this!
For this the flames were tasted!
I ventured life upon a wish
And everything was wasted!
Now that the time I’ve had is spent,
I see ’twas all in vain;
’Tis too late now to reinvent
The story of my pain.
But in my loss ’tis God I find;
He gently takes my hand
And shows me that with dust like mine
He once created man.
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Ultimately, I suppose it doesn't matter, as the reader can draw his/her own conclusion.
The poem has a melodic construction and unfolds well.
If I have one suggestion it is in reference to verse four and five, where you use 'Alas, twice in quick succession. It would read better if you changed one of the words to an alternative.