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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Sizzle (05/02/13)
Nate stepped out of his candy apple red Dodge Challenger letting his fingers trace the lines of its crisp new curves. He leaned gently against the front fender and reached for the phantom pack which would normally occupy his shirt pocket, but was now just a fond memory. Instead he took out the cold black metallic cylinder that, at his wife’s insistence, had recently replaced the cigarettes.
He pulled a long drag filling his lungs with menthol flavored water vapor. He was down to the ten milligram nicotine cartridges- one more level and then no nicotine at all. He took another puff. The tip appeared to glow pale orange in the failing light of early dusk, but without the faint crackling that used to accompany the smoldering bits of leaves and paper. One would think with today’s technology they could add the crackling sound. All-in-all this electronic cigarette thing seemed to be working. He must admit, once again, his wife was right.
He hated that.
Nate wondered if he should call her, then decided not to.
Just then he heard a short electrical buzzing sound then one faint little pop.
Then he noticed the bug zapper hanging above a blue door and hundreds of tiny bug lives cut short, lured by the blue-white glow of a visual siren song.
Zzzzt pop.
There goes another one.
Stupid insects, he thought. Too bad they did not possess the mental capacity to understand the dangers and futile ambition of searching for their perception of paradise.
Zzzt pop.
He shook his head in mocked pity for the poor creatures.
He wondered if they had a choice, even a prayer of a chance, to resist the luminescent temptation.
Just then Nate heard a similar electrical buzz as a huge blue neon martini glass containing the red neon outline of an adult female flickered to life atop the gentleman’s club.
Zzzt pop.
So long suckers.
A good jolt of electricity surprised him as he reached for the door. It must be static electricity enhanced by the dry summer air.
Zzzt pop.
A small dragon fly at last made his way to his final destination. A small puff of smoke rose from its body. The tiny wings went still.
He opened the door and smoke wafted out. He wondered how he would explain the smell on his clothes when he made it home.
Colored lights flashed from inside.
Zzzzt pop.
He looked up at the fly trap, but the throbbing music grabbed his ears with sharp misshapen talons jerking his head back around.
His phone vibrated silently in his pocket. He ignored it.
Zzzzt pop.
He stepped inside and the door slammed shut behind him.
Zzzzzzzzt pop.
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This article has been read 1516 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Noel Mitaxa 
05/11/13
Good internal profile of your MC, and clever use of sound effects to link everything together. Para breaks might have helped to give us pause to trace our journey with you but overall, great work.
C D Swanson 
05/13/13
Excellent read, enjoyed it so much. God bless~
Brenda Rice
05/16/13
Congrats Larry. I enjoyed your entry very much. Seems you may have had the same problem that I had; the formatting failed to make it's way through the submitting process. It took several tries before I finally got it corrected.

My entry is Green Eyes Aren't Always Pretty. Tell me what you think if you have the time. I'm in Intermediate and I want to move up.
Beth LaBuff 
05/16/13
You've crafted an excellent story with a chilling message. I wanted to examine my own life after reading this. Super work! Super congrats!
Nancy Bucca
05/16/13
Wow! This sure is a creative take on the topic, and what a convicting message! Congratulations on your 1st place EC.
Noel Mitaxa 
05/16/13
Great work. Maybe you should forget about para breaks.:-(
Congratulations on your win.
Vince Martella
05/17/13
Outstanding writing. Congrats on a most worthy win.
Larry Elliott
05/17/13
Thank you everyone for the positive comments. I apologize for the formatting. I waited until the very last minute to write something and submit it and when the formatting did not work there was no time to redo.
I have not written in years because of several family tragedies and almost did not enter. I am glad I did. I miss writing.
Judith Gayle Smith-Owens Vitouswykegardinerclark
05/17/13
I am so sorry for the pain you have endured. Writing is such a blessed outlet for the emotions bottled inside. Please continue writing. You make the mundane sizzling . . .
Allen Povenmire
05/17/13
Powerful, hard-hitting piece. What a great way to return to the challenge! Congratulations. Well done.
Bea Edwards 
05/18/13
Your piece really packed a red hot fist of irony. Excellent work and congratulations.
Olawale Ogunsola
05/18/13
An interesting piece. Congratulations.
Ann Menschel
05/20/13
Very well written. A great analogy to the lure of sin in our lives -- and how easily we condemn others. An encouragement also to be the kind of light that will attract others away from those deadly ones.