The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
10/10/08
Loved the start, got me interested. Reference to the 80s bridsmaid's dress says it all so economically. I can see Peaches as a device to let the reader know what Brenton is thinking but, as that's all it does, and has no place in the rest of the story I think it's an unecessary device. 'Brenton’s eyes were black holes, his pink lips now taut, the only outward trace of the churning in his gut.' This and 'the blood puddle silently mocked.'
are powerful emotional images. The penultimate line is powerful and I think you should finish there. The final line doesn't add to the story. I enjoyed the read and admire the way you crafted this story.
10/10/08
Oh, forgot to say, what was Brenton's motivation fro killing his brother?
A dark, yet interesting take on the topic. I too am still trying to wrestle with what just happened. I thought at first that Brenton had an interest in either Jean or Cindy, then a Judy pops up. Who is Judy? Why is Brenton so angry?
I think, from your title, this heartbreaking story is a whole lot deeper than it appears on the surface.
It seems to represent the sacrifice of one laying down his life for another, just as Jesus did for all mankind. It also seems to be a story about the effect of choices. I'd like to see a follow-up with your mc--to know if she gained a better attitude through witnessing her boyfriend's sacrifice and her uncle's murderous actions.
What is written here is very powerful, and I must say that it is a very unique take on this week's topic.

I ended up being left with a lot of questions after I finished reading. I think with more words that you could probably expand this and add more detail. However, it may very well be that you wanted to raise questions, and in that case, you effectively got the reader asking them.

A very intriguing and suspenseful entry. I appreciate you sharing it.