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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Love (04/27/06)
A young girl places a hand on her slightly protruding mid-section evidence of a mistake. The abortion clinic across town waits. Her steps land heavy as she walks toward the scheduled appointment. The fate of a baby hangs precariously between the two worlds.

Ashen faces ponder colorless tiles as the clinic door opens. A white clad receptionist with a matronly smile presses release forms into her waiting hands. Papers rustle on clipboards as pens scratch background information on typewritten lines. She lays down the pen her life now etched on paper that will be alphabetically hidden in a metal file drawer.

Outside cars roll by with radios singing as women go in and out. Behind double doors machines hiss methodically. Heels tap on hard floors. Instruments clink on silver plated trays. Pills resting in white paper cups are administered to frightened women while efficient staff utter robotic words meant to reassure.

The machine stops, the muffled screams cease and the girl places a trembling hand on her flat stomach evidence of a mistake.

Tears roll down pale faces. Eyes gaze upward in horror, some look on with grotesque curiosity, others with disdain. The girl buries her face.

They watch as the man pushes upward in an effort to fill his lungs. Blood rolls down his brow and onto his cheek. His eyes scan the crowd searching each face with recognition. Pain surges through his hands and his feet.

The girl presses on her belly in an attempt to stop the burning pain. Her soul is battered and desperately alone. She searches the room for a face of compassion. She finds none.

Jesus looks upward, seeking, longing for the face of His Father. The Father turns His head.

Luke 22:33-34 When they came to the place called the skull, there they crucified him along with criminals – one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

The girl slips into her clothes in silence. Tears roll down her pale face.

Romans 8:5 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. NIV

Back home the girl collapses in a heap on her bed. She weeps bitterly. Jesus lifts her head gently, purposefully. She searches his face and in his eyes finds compassion. Tears course down her cheeks and with his nail scarred hand he brushes them away.


“Savior”, she whispers.
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This article has been read 1503 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Jessica Schmit
05/06/06
This is beautiful. I loved how you brought in the scenes with Jesus. I also really loved the resolution. The pain of an abortion is astronomical in a girls' life and I think it's improtant to see that there's still hope for a full and rich life. This is a true story about love. Great job.
Sherril Wendling
05/06/06
Haunting, moving description of the Mistake. My heart is racing after reading this; you really pulled me in. What a graphic way to show the Holy Spirit's convicting work in this young girl's heart! Really, really good.
Helen Paynter
05/08/06
Very powerful story. I did find the jump to jesus on the cross a bit disconcerting, but only for a minute, because soon everything became clear. Nicely done.
Helen Paynter
05/08/06
Excuse my sloppy capitalisation. I meant Jesus
Virginia Gorg
05/08/06
Abortions damage women for life, but there is redemption in Jesus. Well done.
Amy Michelle Wiley 
05/09/06
Powerful peice. I think it would read even better with the scene's of Jesus in italics... His first paragraph threw me off. Well done!
Pat Guy
05/09/06
'...the girl places a trembling hand on her flat stomach evidence of a mistake.' Poignant. Very sad.

Your blending and timing of her realization was beautiful. Hopeful. True.

I hope this one is used to help others. I pray it will be.
Jan Ackerson
05/09/06
Oh, very powerful! I like the insertion of the "Jesus" scene, it forced me to go back and read, and then re-read. When I "got it," it was wonderful.
Debbie OConnor
05/09/06
Excellent writing. This is powerful. I particularly liked your detached narrator, viewing all from above without entering the thoughts of the character. Haunting, image-driven piece. The crucifixion threw me for a minute, but it was wonderful. Italics might alert the reader to the big shift, but it was great, regardless. Bravo!
Rita Garcia
05/09/06
Writing of this impact only comes when inspired by God.
I felt every emotion. Saw the redemptive power of Christ through my veil of tears.
Dr. Sharon Schuetz
05/09/06
Good job. You created the environment so clearly. Thanks for such an inspiring piece.
Garnet Miller 
05/09/06
Thank you. I understand making mistakes. Though I have never had an abortion, I needed to hear that God still reaches for us after we make wrong turns in our lives. I know this in my mind, but today I needed to hear it in my heart. Thank you.
Debbie Sickler
05/10/06
You did an excellent job showing us a detailed view of your story, but like others already mentioned, I think the jump to Jesus needed to be indicated with italics or something. (On first read, I thought he was somehow in the room with a scifi twist!) But once I went back and read it more slowly, your message became very clear.