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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: CHILL (10/27/16)
Sarah did not really enjoy the part time job she found necessary to keep going year after year. Her primary employment had been medical for many years but it did not provide enough income to support her family of 5 children; so she found herself this night, at 10:30 p. m. in an office building alone, getting the work done for the day.

When in the restroom cleaning the stool she became aware of a cold and slightly fearful presence. There was nothing to be seen and it seemed to be emitting out of the corner that was closest to the stool. It was uncomfortable.

After all the years of working alone at night, she had certainly become aware that the Lord was her Keeper. She had trained herself to call to the Lord anytime she felt afraid.

That is exactly what she did and into her mind came a word that she had never heard before: "Ubiquitous."

It did take her mind off the cold presence from the corner because she got so frustrated. On several occasions the Lord had given her words that she did not know.

Leaving the toilet she ransacked the offices to find a dictionary.

Finally she found one, and then had to figure how the word might be spelled. Did it begin with E or U?

It was found in the U section. When she read it she knew immediately what the Lord was telling her; "Don't be afraid, I am everywhere!"

Ubiquitous gives the idea of something, like maybe a vase or a rock, surrounded on all sides and top and bottom by water for instance, so that even etchings on the vase or cracks in the rock are surrounded by and filled with the water.

That is what God tells us about Himself in the Scriptures, that He is everyplace we can be; He surrounds us like water. If He was water we would be swimming in Him. That is how close God is to everyone of us.

God surrounds us on all sides, we are everyone of us, in Him; but He is not in all of us, unless we have asked Him to come into our heart.

He really wants to do that, He stands at the door of our heart knocking, but we must open the door of our heart and ask Him to come in. Revelation 3: 20

He is the Good Shepherd that does not permit our enemy to touch us, and never ever are we alone. God promises to always be with us.

God is Ubiquitous; He is loving and caring of us and never caught off guard. Our enemy cannot sneak upon us without God knowing it and defending us.

Thanks be to God.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
11/05/16
Ubiquitous is one of my favorite words so you piqued my curiosity right out of the gate. I was intrigued by Sarah and thought the story was paced nicely.

I noticed you used quite a few passive lines. By switching them around a bit, you'll be able to paint a brighter picture for your reader. For example, I might do something like this: In the restroom, Sarah scrubbed the stools; suddenly, she sensed a cold, frightening presence. She snapped her head left and right, her eyes scanning every inch of the room, but she didn't see anyone. Goosebumps popped out on her arm when she sensed a presence emitting from the corner. She licked her lips and forced herself to swallow.

I know I went a bit overboard, but wanted to show you how to use active sentences to paint a picture.

Also, write out numbers to ten (some say to a hundred). After Sarah found the dictionary, it felt like the voice changed. Instead of Sarah's voice, I felt like the author had stepped in. You could fix this by having Sarah talk to herself, read the definition aloud, and then maybe chide herself for being afraid. I really liked the MC and felt connected to her and missed her after she found the definition.

I liked the suspense in the story and would have enjoyed maybe even a couple more lines of Sarah fighting the impulse to run in fear. Your message is a great one. God is everywhere. I could see the chill in the story. It may not have been the main theme of the article, but you did touch on it. I know I get chills when freaked out alone at night in an empty building. The next time that happens, I'll remember this story and that God is there with me.

Francie Snell 
11/08/16
I can relate to how God will sometimes give us a word without us understanding what it means at first. I love how the Lord constantly shows us His care and concern for us. I enjoyed this interesting story.