Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: GATHERING (07/14/16)
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TITLE: Horse Camp | Previous Challenge Entry
By Don Buschert
07/21/16 -
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There is one mare in particular I single out. A scarred one; years of neglect under a careless previous owner. Zig found her and brought her here to his ranch. Zig knew, that underneath all that hurt, she had a wonderful heart.
I draw closer to this beautiful animal which thrives on human contact. She senses me and quietly grunts. Each week of camp, brings new riders who care for her - aiding in her healing. And she in turn has reciprocated so much joy and restoration to her riders.
Now the girls arrive, excited and chattering amongst themselves. Each will get to select one horse from the herd, one they will groom, look after, tack and ride all week.
There is one anxious looking girl that stands out. A loner. Not accepted by her group. She’s looking over the herd, excited to find that one special friend, but is very anxious. She is more concerned whether the other girls will accept her. I pat the white spot on her forehead; the only white spot on her light brown body. She senses the girl too.
The girls each in turn wander out into the corral, but the anxious girl remains. Frightened, not of the horses, but of the crowd of adolescent girls around her. Girls that have already judged her. She keeps her hands in her kangaroo jacket which limps over her body.
I pat the mare gently on the rear, sending her towards the girl.
"Miesha, look. I think Summer likes you," said Zig with a grin, leaning over her way.
Miesha’s heart stopped in her throat as she watched Summer slowly make her way to the spot at the corral fence where she stood. "Look," said one. "That horse is going to her". The crowd of girls gasped and watched. Miesha self-consciously and apprehensively stepped forward, taking the lead rope with trembling hands. Summer whinnied and grunted satisfactory. She wished none of the other girls would see this; yet out of the corner of her eye she saw the admiration many of them had.
"Hi there, Summer," Miesha whispered. There was so much relief and joy building inside her.
A few weeks ago Miesha accepted the Lord into her heart. I wasn’t present for that, but the inward changes were taking effect. Her father wasn't around much in her life, and perhaps out of guilt, recently decided to send her to Horse Camp. It wasn't a Christian camp, and Miesha was terrified of the rejection she anticipated from her peers. Yet in her new-found faith, here she was. God was sweet, not only giving her a horse like Summer, but also doing it with the amazing creative kindness that is His nature.
"Okay campers, once you've got your horse, lead it to the stable," hollered Zig.
A dark black-haired pretty girl with bright almond eyes came alongside Miesha. "I like your horse. I like that she came to you. That's so special."
"Thanks," replied Miesha. "Your horse looks good too. Ride much?"
"First time. My name is Kit." Kit gave her an accepting grin.
"I'm Miesha." She turned to look at Kit and her beautiful smile. The wind blew Kit’s black hair around her face, wrapping it like a shawl.
"I've never been away from home like this either," said Kit, a hint of fear betraying her smile. "Have you?"
"Yes, lots of sleepovers with cousins at the cabin. Our outdoor ed went on a campout last year. But it's my first time at a camp like this.”
"Isn't this exciting?" exclaimed Kit, picking up the pace, leading her horse faster.
Miesha beamed, as she walked faster, leading Summer alongside who she hoped would be a new friend, her confidence growing strong now, as she blended in with the rest of the campers.
We angels see that beasts have the most to lose with The Fall. They experience a fear and dread of Man that is inconceivably unfair. They suffer long and hard in a dying world that is slowly passing away. Yet those same beasts have it in them to bring restoration to this same sinful race.
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"She is more concerned whether the other girls will accept her. I pat the white spot on her forehead; the only white spot on her light brown body. She senses the girl too." The reader goes from the anxious girl to suddenly the narrator patting a "white spot on her forehead"... Of course you mean the horse, which becomes clear when you wrote "She senses the girl too," but the sentence structure initiates confusion and could be changed slightly to let the reader know you meant the horse from the start.
You did a lot of telling. It's easy to say show don't tell, but much harder to do. Another thing you had were POV shifts, where you jumped into the minds of others. There are a few ways to fix it. In my opinion, the best is to use body language, dialog, and thoughts from the MC. Since the MC here is an angel, it would be reasonable to think he might know more than the average character, but you could have used his thoughts to show that. One way I might do more showing (and avoid the shifts) would be:
That one little girl, Miesha, shuffles away from the gaggle of girls. I sense she feels like a misfit, as she chews on a strand of her hair. Every few seconds, her eyes flit over to the horses, but she quickly lowers her head again when the other girls point at her and snicker. She can't fool me though; I know she longs to make friends with the other kids.
Flitting above the horses, I swoop down and pat Summer's white spot on her forehead.
(The way you originally had it worded, I first thought the white spot on the forehead belonged to the girl.) In the beginning, I wasn't sure if Zig was a ranch hand or the angel. But if you use thoughts, dialog and body language, you won't have that head hopping, and it will be easier to understand. You also need to remember semicolons are used to separate two independent lines. A good way to test if a semicolon is needed is to see if the part before and after it are complete sentences that could stand on their own with their own subjects and verbs.
You have a great foundation for a wonderful story here. I felt empathy for the girls and the horses. It's amazing how internal scars can hurt way more than external ones, both in people and animals. Your conflict drew me in right away, and your resolution of it left me feeling content and smiling. You did a nice job of developing your characters, and your message is clear and pertinent, especially in today's world. Congratulations on ranking 2nd in your level and 18 overall. Happy Dance!