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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Thanksgiving (04/18/05)
I sit silently, keeping the death watch. Claw like, her wasted hand grasps mine. Her bright eyes watch expectant and full of accusations. Were all my sacrifices in vain? Between us there is a chasm of things unsaid. Secrets. Guilt. Misunderstandings. It is too late for her. Putting voice to her breath is as exhausting as breathing itself. Each inhalation is a battle, each exhalation a blessed relief. One more breath away from mortality. One more towards… I bow my head and squeeze back the tears. I will not cry. Crying is weakness. I square my shoulders, forcing the words onto my tongue. Over and over again I do this. Saying them in my mind, but they will not make that final, cathartic journey. I almost gag on them as they bunch up at my teeth. She lies an hour away from eternity and I am mute.
Do I lack the courage or am I holding to some obscure tendril of misplaced integrity?
Our roads have never been easy. We expected too much of each other. I expected her to be a mother; to nurture me. She expected me to be a daughter; to... I grapple with what that means, how I failed. My carapace grew Kevlar hard as brothers exploit every weakness; impenetrable from a paucity of her praise and encouragement. I feel as far from feminine as a woman can get.
I look down on her sunken features. I want to shout: I can only be who I am! I’m trying but I cannot do this thing. Guilt rocks through me. I can only be who you have made me! But I know that is a lie. I know I am more than the sum of her parts. I have been enlarged by the One who brings love, yet I cannot, or will not, say what she wants to hear. My throat swells with the pain of conflicting emotions. If I fail now there will be no opportunity to redeem myself. And I know, because I know myself, I will fail.
I raise my head and our eyes meet again. She flings out her challenge. Well? Were they? Unwelcome tears course down my cheeks and drip off my nose. She sees them, recognizes their import and her eyes soften and close. Her hand convulses and relaxes. I am reassured that, even though I can’t say the words, in this last moment she knows.
They’ve taken away all the furniture and I kneel at the bed. She is not here but I’m confident she will hear my voice, rough with grief. ‘I love you, Mum. And I am grateful, honestly I am. Thank you.’
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This article has been read 1673 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Dixie Phillips
04/25/05
I'm calling my mother TODAY and telling her I love her and thank you for all the sacrifices she has made for me. Convicting!
Mary Nellum
04/25/05
My Mother never said the words "I love you" until I was 30 years old. She was from a different generation and they just didn't voice their feelings. But once she said it, it was like a dam broke inside of her and she said it every chance she got. Thank you for this memory.

Mary N
Melanie Kerr 
04/25/05
It was very easy to picture your account. I had to use a dictionary to look up a couple of words.
Helga Doermer
04/25/05
Well written article. Just stumbled on some words in one sentence - like 'carapace'. Would be helpful to have clues as to its meaning.
Maxx .
04/27/05
Very powerful entry. I can feel the emotions behind the words. Thank you!
Sally Hanan
04/30/05
Very well done yeggy, I can see you are more than in touch with these emotions.
Suzanne R
05/01/05
Oh ... "Because I know myself, I will fail". SO touching! But the relief I felt when the main character communicated to her mother by her tears that she was grateful. If you'd like some constructive feedback, I'd just add paragraph breaks - an empty line between paragraphs to make it easier to read. Thanks so much for writing this and sharing it with us. Well done.
Deborah Porter 
05/04/05
Hi Val. I just wanted to take a moment to encourage you and let you know that you made it into the semi-finals for the "Thanksgiving" Challenge. So although you didn't actually win a place or Highly Commended award, you were definitely in the running. With love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)
Jacquelyn Horne
04/26/07
Oh, so touching. Somehow, I'm sure she knew.