...for I will be envious. | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: ...for I will be envious. | Previous Challenge Entry
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02/16/15
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...for I will be envious.

I spoke my heart to God many a day (and night) on or near a mountain. One of my dreams was to live in a mountain cabin; I envisioned myself writing and taking long walks and hikes. I desired what most desire, I think: a love that is true, clean air to breathe, good food to eat, and reasonable health.

Is that too much?

When I briefly lived in Western North Carolina, at various times, in various locations, I traveled up and down curvy mountain roads flanked by rocks and waterfalls--always eyeing the little cabins nestled just above, or the getaways near the creeks and rivers.

I was envious.

Twice, I tasted the pleasure of living on properties with a mountain view. I awoke to sunrises over a valley and enjoyed the changes in the Great Artist’s sky palette throughout the day.

I was thankful.
________________________

I believe much of the envy I’ve felt was not rooted in ill will.
I did not begrudge those who were blessed with gorgeous homes and gorgeous views.
Rather, my envy was tied to longing.
A longing to feel rooted myself, in a place of beauty.
And peace.

I recall moments of the purist spiritual joys I’ve encountered.
When my heart was true, my motivations good, my actions just.
Would I want gain any other way?
If I desire, most of all , to stay on the upright path with God, then whatever I have should be enough, right?

Oh, Lord, how many times I have written for you, given for you, loved you.
Loved you with my whole heart, mind, and soul.
Submitted time and time again...

And now I awake from another tormenting night. (Monday, February 16)
The ones Thomas Merton said he would not speak of in one of his journals.
But I will speak of it.
Will I harm a Soul if I do?
--or if I don’t?

This is the Truth, people: I possess envy.

I am envious of anyone who claims that they feel the peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7).
I have felt it before...
This peace does not come with any extra prayers, consistent worship, or good works. When it comes, it must be a pure gift, I think.

Good Christian friends have tried to help.
(I love them for it.)

I cannot DO anything more than I am doing...
I cannot BE anymore still than I am being...

I have made confessions to God and Man.
I have bared my Soul before God and felt Holy Fire.
I have burned with Holy Love...

And I have wept and grieved and served penitential seasons.

But this morning, as many mornings the past few years,
I am worn out.

I cannot make humor of this today.

I love things of God, Goodness, Compassion, Mercy, and Love.

But This? I hate This.

No pills, no doctors, no therapies, and no amount of praying has helped.

If there is unforgiveness or bitterness in my heart, from something past, I cannot recall it. Is that my fault? I have felt the release that forgiveness brings.
I know of nothing left to forgive.

I have dined with multi-millionaires and I have dined with the homeless.
Neither have it any better or worse, in the Soul, than the other.

I have seen the wealthy consumed with regret, fear, and pain.
And I have seen the homeless and the poor the same.

My own warm bed, at this moment, does not change my Soul.

But yes, thank you God, it does bring some limited physical comfort.
I desire to give all the homeless a warm place to sleep, if I can do nothing else.

Oh Lord, you know all this.
____________________________

I am envious of those who claim to feel Peace more often than I.
I am envious of those who sleep through the night and do not remember horrific dreams.

Just last night (again)--my Soul was ravaged.
This--This--after a day of praising God.

To Whom am I really Praising?
The God I feel in my heart does not desire torment...

I am envious of those who now rest in real peace.

--Did this writing challenge turn into one big complaint?
(I believe it did.)

For you faithful-writing-friends, I ask forgiveness.

And I do wish you the peace that surpasses all understanding.
But don’t tell me about it too soon,
...for I will be
envious.

--yours in the faith...

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