Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Cup and Saucer (08/28/14)
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TITLE: Girl By the Chimney | Previous Challenge Entry
By Brenda Rice
09/04/14 -
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When the sun drifted slowly toward the horizon, she retreated underneath the house to a hollowed out place by the chimney filled with slivers of coal and dry leaves. Her body warmth transferred to the debris in the hollow keeping her warm during the winter nights.
Skin the color of dark chocolate smeared with ashes and dirt offered her protection from biting bugs and made her difficult to see under the house. Kittens born by the chimney, and a discarded blue and white china cup and saucer kept her entertained.
Joined by her imaginary friends for tea, the girl mimicked the ladies at a tea party she witnessed on the south lawn. Holding the dainty cup with her pinky sticking out, she felt special like the white ladies in their fancy clothes.
Inside Hartsfield Plantation House
“Delia, please ask one of the girls to get the china crate from under the house.” Delia was head housekeeper.
“Is it heavy Missus? I may need two girls.”
“It is rather burdensome. Two would probably be better.”
“Ressy and Sadie go under the house and get the crate labeled china.” Neither girl was much over five feet tall so they could stand up while they searched.
Ressy the skinny one saw the hollowed out place before she saw crate. “Sadie, look yonder. What ya reckon made that hollow place by the chimney?”
Scrutinizing the place, Sadie saw a momma cat. “Reckon it’s that cat. She got babies, I bet.”
After the crate was delivered to the Missus, Ressy went back under the house for a look see. Hearing someone approaching the girl burrowed herself deep into the coal and dirt holding her breath. Ressy was very close when the girl ran out of air and sat up. Ressy jumped and hollered. “Who is ya? Whatcha doin’ under here…Kin ya talk?”
The startled girl with leaves caught up in her matted braids said, “I kin talk. Ya gone tell on me ain’t ya?”
“Reckon so—ya show can’t stay under here
like a rat in a hole. What’s ya name?”
“Ain’t got no name.” As quick a hummingbird, she was gone.
“Don’t think I’ll tell about the girl just yet. I’ll keep on leavin’ food near the chimney and see what happens.” Ressy planned out loud.
Sometime Later
“Ressy, Missus say there’s a cup and saucer missing from the crate. Did ya see ‘em under the house?”
“Naw-um didn’t see ‘em, but I’ll go look.” Under the house, Ressy spotted the missing items on a ledge. As she reached for them she heard, “Ya can’t take ‘em. They’s mine. I found ‘em.”
“There ya are. I been feeding ya, without me ya be mighty hungry. Now, these here belong to Missus and she wants ‘em. What ya think I oughta do?” The girl gave no answer. “Well, if ya wants ‘em, ya best come with me and ask the Missus?”
“I can’t. They’ll be sent me off to a lost young’uns farm!”
Ressy chuckled, “Missus Hartsfield is a fine Christian lady. She’ll help ya, if ya let her. Tell ya what, I’ll take ya to my room clean ya up and make ya smell sweet as roses. Ya don’t exactly smell nice, ya know?”
With lips stuck out, eyes glaring white,
“I took a bath last summer in the pond. It’s too cold now.”
“Come on my room is warm--got hot water and sweet smelling soap. Have ya lookin’ like a princess in no time. Think I’ll call ya. . .Sooty.”
Ressy scrubbed Sooty and dressed her in case offs from the Missus’s daughters. “Now it’s time to meet Missus Hartsfield.” Sooty’s eyes were big as saucers as they descended the stairs.
“Missus, this here is Sooty. She found ya cup and saucer.”
“Well, what a lovely girl. You look like a princess. Now what’s this about my tea cup and saucer?”
With her hands on her hips Sooty said, “I have tea parties with ‘em. I wants to keep ‘em. Can I?”
Missus gave Ressy a sly wink, “I can do better than that. You stay here with us, and you can use all the cups and saucers at your tea parties.”
Sooty smiled.
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Good messages too.
God bless~
I did notice you started in the past tense then switched to the present. You also had a POV shift by telling the story from Sooty's POV then shifting to the other girl's. You did use the section notes (Inside Hartsfield Plantation House), so it didn't totally take me by surprise. I think it would be interesting to see the story all from Sooty's POV. You could do something like this: Suddenly, the girl froze as voices from the house drifted down through the fireplace. Squeezing her eyes shut, she murmured, "Please, don't let dem find me unner here."
That's just my thoughts, others may feel differently. It took me quite awhile to fully understand the concept of POV shift, but I think once I mastered it, my writing became stronger.
You did a fabulous job of sprinkling the topic all over the story. Your dialog felt natural and gave me a real sense of the setting and the characters. The ending was perfect. What a beautiful demonstration of doing unto others. This is a message we all need from time to time. I also could see this lovely story expanded into a YA novel. I'd love to read more of these wonderful characters.