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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: RED (02/01/18)
An elderly woman picked up the hysterical child and carried her to the comfiest of rocking chairs. There was no consoling little Serena. Suddenly the woman asked her a question. “Do you know who Jesus is?” Gulping Serena shook her head from side to side. The woman continued, “He is your bestest of friends and can be with you anywhere and at any time. Would you like to meet him?” Serena hid her overflowing eyes as her voice quavered a “yes, please.” So there in the rocking chair, a little child came to Jesus. As Serena listened, she understood and believed. An unshakeable inner peace took root within her. The woman felt Serena’s body change and she, herself, experienced a new kind of wonder.

Several hours later, Serena’s parents did arrive to pick up their little girl, but they knew not that she wasn’t their same little girl. Serena transferred her loyalties from them to Jesus. She promised Jesus to follow him and to read the Bible. Her secret bestest friend meant everything to her. He knew her, and she knew him. The very thought of him made her happy. The first thing she did was hound her mom for a Bible. Finally, shortly before her 5th birthday, her mom gave her a child’s bible and slowly read the first verse to her. Serena quickly memorized it and went skipping outside. Later as she meandered down the sidewalk looking up into heaven, she repeated the verse over and over again in her mind.

Then memorizing led to speaking; speaking to her secret friend. “See I kept my promise. I just learned from the bible that you made the heaven and earth. No one here can make such things. I don’t understand why people killed you. You didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe it is something like Madeline. She seems to hate me for no reason. I don’t understand people, but you do. How can you love us? I guess I don’t understand you so well either. I’ll tell you what; I’ll just keep reading the Bible then someday I’ll understand you better. Will that be okay with you?” There it was again, that special unshakeable peace sensation. She took that as a “yes.”

Within a few years, family and friends knew Serena was different in a beautiful, but unsettling way. They didn’t understand it, but Serena unnerved them at times. Some said things like she is so gentle and obedient, but scary. Her grandmother was once overheard saying, “Serena scares me a little.” Another relative agreed saying, “Yeah, Little Serena, can be scary alright.” Jesus was changing her. She saw and understood what He saw and understood. People didn’t like it much. However, as long as He was her friend, she was okay. She wouldn’t exchange Him for anyone no matter what.

Some people in her small circle turned into more active enemies. She faced down a Goliath twice. She lived daily with a Judas for seven years. Some enemies teamed up together. Certain preachers and their followers wished to silence and discredit her words. Her family was entrenched in unrighteousness and hated her stand against them. Some of these enemies even made her fear for her life more than once. Over decades she discovered the power of prayer and unseen angels. She experienced divine moments which no man could take from her. Persecuted, ignored, and left for dead she remembered His words. He will return, and He will repay.

Nevertheless, aging is one enemy which cannot be outmaneuvered. Soon she would be with Him. Curiosity filled her waking hours. The fact no one would miss her last breath or visit her grave didn’t disturb her lively anticipation. She looked forward to being free of pain and free from a mortal body. One typical day before dawn angels silently carried her soul into His presence. There she joined others like herself. Lonely no more, they asked their Bridegroom: “When will you avenge us?”. He comforted them and answered: “When others have finished as you have. You have proved you love me more than anyone, and I will do the same. My vesture will not be white that day, but red. It shall be stained red with your enemy’s blood. This long-awaited vendetta, our marriage supper, will seal our union. It will bind us as husband and wife.”
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This article has been read 389 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
C D Swanson 
02/08/18
Excellent job with the topic!
Great message and entry.
Blessings~
Jude Harris 
02/08/18
Very well done. I like how you showed her trust, no matter who rejected her.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
02/10/18
I enjoyed your opening paragraph. It pulled me in. I like that you created a conflict right out of the blocks. I felt connected to the characters.

A few things to note: Start a new paragraph each time someone different speaks. I could see the little girl using the term bestest, but maybe not the woman. Be careful about having POV shifts. Since it is told from the POV of Serena, the reader can only know what she sees, thinks, or says. To show you what I mean, I might edit it like this: As Serena listened, she understood and believed. She felt her spine tingle as a sense of peace took root. She noticed the lady's eyes sparkled and a smile peeked through her wrinkles as she wrapped her arms around Serena. (This shows what Serena might have noticed instead of shifting into the woman's head.)
Later, Serena’s parents picked her up. She looked at their serious faces. <i> I wonder if they notice a difference in me. </i> Closing her eyes, she bowed her head. <i>Dear Jesus, I promise to follow you and read the Bible, after I bug Mom to buy me one. Thank you for being my bestest friend. </i> (This helps pull the readers in while also tightening the lines.)

I think you did a great job of showing not telling in the first paragraph, but then you switched to more telling. By tightening sentences and deleting everything that doesn't move the story forward, you'll have more words to use, which will help keep that visual description going.

Overall, I think you did a great job. I can feel your passion. I enjoyed your characters. It might be a tad weak on topic, but you do mention it at the end. Ideally, the whole story is about the topic, and if I didn't know the topic, I could guess. You have a great message. I believe it will touch many hearts. You have a great foundation and if you tweak it a bit, I think you could do great things.
Dennis Gallemore
02/10/18
Powerful story!