Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Pros and Cons (08/14/14)
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TITLE: Sorp and Snoc | Previous Challenge Entry
By Terry Atchison
08/18/14 -
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The interstellar vessel, blue flux emanating from the stern, was vacillating across the northern skies. Its erratic flight made it seem to dance through the rippled aurora borealis. A bright white, then yellow, then orange trail, lit up the sky and disappeared within an instant.
“So now what do we do, Mr. ‘I-know-a-little-blue-planet-just-around-the-corner-from-Jupiter’? Huh?” Snoc’s three red eyes were glaring at a shaken Sorp, who had just crashed-landed their vessel onto a pasture somewhere in Missouri.
Snoc sharply continued. “What do you have to say for yourself now?”
“Our gyroscopic stabilizer is disabled.” Sorp’s tone underlined the truth of the words.
“Moo!”
“What does that mean? Did you short circuit something in your brain, Sorp?”
“Moo!”
Sorp pointed to the cabin door which was slightly ajar and responded with a controlled voice. “No, I’m fine. There is someone at the exterior. I don’t know that language, but we need to investigate.”
“Of course.” Snoc reached for the door lever, then suddenly jerked back his three fingers. “No! Maybe this isn’t such a good idea. Whoever is out there may have some very powerful weapons that we could never even imagine!”
“Moo!”
“Snoc, if they have a powerful weapon and wanted to harm us, wouldn’t they have used it by now? We really need to examine our vessel from stem to stern and commence our repairs as soon as possible. Do you acknowledge my logic?”
“Moo!”
“Considering the circumstances, I think we should stay inside until these creatures, whatever they may be, leave us in peace. We can repair the ship when they have evacuated the premises.”
“I say that we open the door and try to communicate with them. Maybe they can potentially assist us in our endeavor to return home. Snoc, maybe these creatures are considerably more advanced than ourselves.”
“Moo!”
“I’m going to risk a peek. Apparently ‘moo’ is their word for ‘hello’.” Sorp spies through the cracked door and sees a herd of cows milling around their ship. “Wow! These creatures are bigger than a ‘Glaxtrax’ from back home. Moo! Moo, moo!” Sorp calls, but the only response from the cows were a couple of emotionless glances towards him.
“What did they say? How many are there, Sorp? They probably don’t understand you. You must have too much of an accent when you speak.”
“Moo!”
“You see, one answered me. They seem to be friendly.”
Snoc’s eyes were wide open, protruding from their sockets. Apprehension and fear flowed throughout his body. “Maybe it’s a trap!”
“Moo!”
Sorp now opens the door wide and the wonderful, country aroma of ‘cow pie’, invades the vessel.
“They are trying to gas us!” Snoc was in ‘panic mode.’ “Shut the door!”
“Moo!”
“That is only the perfume of their ‘twizer’.” Sorp laughed as he finished his words. “Now let’s get to work and repair our ship.” He extracts himself from the vessel.
“I’m coming, but utterly against my better judgment. Utterly!” Snoc exits at his turn.
“Moo!”
“Moo!” answers Sorp with a big grin. “You see, Snoc, These creatures mean us no harm. Let’s get to work now.”
“Very well. But I still believe that we should stay inside until they are gone.”
Sorp smiles. “You will be fine. Just be careful not to step in the ‘twizer’!”
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I couldn't stop laughing. The first time I read it I woke up in the middle of the night and started laughing as I thought about it. I was sure I heard something outside my window. It sounded like " Moo".
On topic, creative, kept my interest throughout and wonderful ending.
A complete package.
Well done!
Spot on topic as well.
God Bless!
Wing His Words,
Pam
You gave the topic a fresh and clever, entertaining twist.
My only red ink is pretty petty but worth thinking about in this type of story.
Sorp and Snoc, in context, wouldn't know what cows are and the story loses a little by calling them 'cows'. We already know, from the 'moo', what creature you are talking about, but the POV this is written from wouldn't know to call them cows.
I loved the, "Just be careful not to step in the ‘twizer’!” That was really funny.
"Sorp spies through the cracked door and sees a herd of cows milling around their ship"
Prior to that sentence, everything in the story had been written with the past tense. You used words like "pointed, responded, controlled" etc. The sudden change in tense, followed immediately by them not recognizing the creatures, but knowing they were cows, threw me right out of the story.
You got me back because your humor and your characters are so good. You have a great story here and these little bits of red ink are really very minor and simple to fix (assuming of course that you agree, which you may not) and they did not detract from how incredibly fun your story was to read.
Very creative! Thanks for sharing.