Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Exotic (08/08/13)
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TITLE: Unwanted Luxury | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ken Ebright
08/14/13 -
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Jerry sipped on a cup of coffee. "Where do you work these days?"
The waitress poured Steve a cup. "I am an attorney, Where do you work?"
Jerry opened the plastic container of cream. "I own a travel agency. How would you like to go to an exotic resort in Hawaii' "
Steve sipped on his cup. "This summer I'm going camping."
Jerry threw out some travel brochures he had in a notebook. "Camping, when you can see the mountains and the beach at the same time? On the Kaua Island it has Wamea Canyon waterfalls. Instead of playing in the mud, you can stay in a plush resort. You're an attorney--you make the big bucks and you can afford to have a vacation in luxury."
"I can't afford it."
"I don't understand."
Steve smiled. "Since I left high school I found Jesus. I want to serve him."
"What does that have anything to do with it? You can see his beautiful creation and sit in luxury at the same time."
Steve stirred his cup with a spoon. "I volunteer my time to work on first amendment cases. I also give to ministries that spread the gospel."
Jerry had a smirk on his face. "Does Jesus tell you that you can't have any fun? You can't get room service at a campground."
Steve held up his cup to take a sip. "I don't want the things of this world. There are lost people out there. Do you know Jesus?"
Jerry didn’t make eye contact. "I go to church every Christmas and Easter. And occasionally during the year."
Steve opened his Bible. "The things of this world are not going to last. I want to focus on saving souls."
Jerry chuckled, "I don't have time for that. I bring fun into peoples lives."
Steve had an invitation card and he extended it to Jerry. "Why don't you join me for church on Sunday?"
Jerry stood up and gathered his things. "It's been fun. I have to attend a meeting." He headed for the door.
"Jerry, come back here."
Jerry just kept walking.
Steve sighed then bowed his head. "Dear Lord, I just pray that my friend Jerry would find the Lord."
Steve found a tract and stood up and walked over to the next table. "Hey sir, this is an interesting little story. If you get a chance you may want to read it." He placed the tract on the table.
The man swallowed what was in his mouth. "Thank you, I'll do that."
Steve walked away with a bright glow on his face. "Thank you Jesus!"
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The main red ink I would offer would be to leave out details that aren't vital to the story. While sipping on a cup of coffee paints a picture, it doesn't tell us what the emotions or personality of the reader are. Instead use that space to give some insight to these things. In a longer piece, it would be okay to have fillers, but with such a short limit it's vital to connect with the readers. For example you could show Jerry's intensity at his job with something like this: Jerry thumbed through travel brochures as he sipped his coffee. "Where do you work these days?"
I really liked how you added the prayer. For me the main message of this story is we may have one agenda like introducing our friend to Jesus, but God may have a totally different plan like saving the stranger at the next table. I think you did a fine job of covering that message and I suspect others might get different messages which shows the Holy Spirit at work. Good job.