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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Soul (07/13/06)
He stood there, at the foot of my bed, with eyes of fire bathed in a crimson glow that surrounded his deformed frame. I jerked awake as I felt his essence engulf the room. I stared in frozen disbelief at the presence before me. He spoke seven words, “I have come to retrieve your soul”. His words reverberated off the white walls like a low growl. Fear, as I have never felt before griped my very core. My insides felt like ice as all color drained from my face. I tried to look away from him, but could not break the hold of his powerful gaze. My heart raced a thousand miles a minute and I thought it would break free from my chest at any second. My life flashed before me in bursts of flame as his long thin fingers reached for my hand. I saw my aunt Rose as she walked with me to Sunday school when I was five. Little did I know that I would lose her to a heart attack less than five years later. Otherwise, I would have held tighter to her strong warm hand. She faded into a mist and in her place stood Ella, my stepmother. She was handing me a cigarette. I was eight and took it. Right away, I knew I did not like it and never touched them again. Ella disappeared and was replaced by loud angry shouts and breaking glass. My stepfather had broken all the windows out of the house. He was drunk again. The next scene before me was a stadium filled with people. It was a Billy Graham Crusade. As the alter call was given I watched as my 12 year old legs ran down the stadium stairs to the infield. Such peace washed over me as I repeated his words. I felt new, alive, and free. The scenes sped past like lightening flashes and stopped suddenly at one pivotal point in my life; the unforgettable moment when I turned my back on God. The dances and parties were just too much fun to pass up. I completely immersed myself in college life and no longer had time for God. I stopped praying and reading his holy words. I stopped attending church; I just did not have time. I was excessively busy. “After all, I have a paper due Monday morning at 9am,” I reasoned. As this final scene dispersed, I heard the sobs and the pleas flow from my lips and my soul. I begged God to forgive me for neglecting him and at times even blaming him for life’s circumstances that I faced. Hot tears streaked down my face and pooled on the floor of which I knelt. The booming voice shook the entire house as I heard the redeeming words, “I HAVE RETRIEVED HER SOUL TONIGHT, YOU MUST LEAVE, NOW!” I glanced up and as quickly as my nightly visitor had arrived, he vanished. He would not retrieve my soul this night or any other. The lover of my soul had reclaimed it. He alone would retrieve my soul at some future date.
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This article has been read 1332 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Deborah Bauers
07/22/06
Very imaginative! You are gifted with the ability to develop images from words. If you break this story down into paragraphs it will flow more nicely. Keep writing!
Tracey Jackson
07/23/06
You've created some great images here by using flashbacks of memory. Breaking up the text into paragraphs will bring these out and make them more powerful, I think. Keep writing.
Amy Nicholson
07/25/06
Wow! This was awesome! I agree that you should add some "white space." Also "the floor on which I stood" sounds a little strange. I know, you don't want to end the sentence with a preposition. Other than those picky little things, this was great! Awesome imagery and powerful point! Well done.
Marilyn Schnepp 
07/27/06
My first reaction was "Oh No, I can't delve into that long, long paragraph that looks like it goes on forever! My eyes are already so tired." So, as you can see, spacing between paragraphs is vital if you want to be 'Reader friendly' - and what Writer doesn't want Readers to feel comfortable reading their material? After reading the first sentence, I knew it would be exciting - but I'd been reading all day...so I will return and finish it later...with a comment or two. Thank you.
Valerie Routhieaux
07/27/06
What a marvellous account of the battle for our soul. I really enjoyed this. My suggestion is to break this into paragraphs and use some white space. Keep writing.