Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: STRESSED - Begins January 18 / Ends January 25 (01/18/18)
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TITLE: Two Loves | Previous Challenge Entry
By Michelle Gretz
01/19/18 -
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Laying in bed Havilah’s heart constricted in agony. This particular pain is very sneaky. It doesn’t give much warning and it doesn’t easily let go. People seldom see or understand what ails her. This was one of her sad days. The shocking memory was upon her once again.
You see the most stressful day of Havilah’s life occurred over 30 years ago. The day she had to choose between her two greatest loves; her deeply rooted love of My Word and her deeply rooted love of family. I said I had come to set household members against one another. This truth was proven when Havilah unbudgingly stood on the rock. She, the child, pierced the adults with my two-edged sword. She reminded them of what I actually said about divorce and remarriage being adultery. She watched stunned as her loving parents’ eyes grew cold. Her mother’s beautiful face contorted into such a rage and her gentle dad fiercely marched toward her; yelling “get outâ€. She knows he regrets his words, but echoes respect not time nor space.
We, in heaven, saw then and understand now. We, her true Father and Brother, are one and we are her comfort and her strength. We, not her family, have cared for her and borne her many a year. We have given her godly women to be her mothers and sisters. We have poured out our spirit upon her. We know she would take the same stand again and this returning grief is something to be endured not escaped. Earthly sorrow is temporary, not eternal. There will come a day when she will suffer no more.
Finally, a groan managed to escape Havilah’s lips. Silent tears streamed as she rocked herself back and forth. This must stop, I must go. Havilah arose and took up her cross once again.
Fiction
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I really think you could develop this piece further by including dialogue and expanding upon the thoughts and feeling of the girl during the flashback scene.
Laying in bed Havilah’s heart constricts in agony. She grimaces as she flops over; tears well up in her eyes. This particular pain tends to sneak up and attack without warning and then refuses to let go.
Havilah squeezes her eyes shut. <i> Today is a sad day. Most people don't have a clue. It's been thirty years. Man, I need to get over it!</i>
But she doesn't know how to let go. The shocking memory is upon her once again.
Another choice would be to do it all in the past tense instead of the present. Since you asked me to clarify, I also decided to show you some ways you could add body language and thoughts to make it pop a bit more. Of course, this is just one way I might interpret it. I understand the thoughts and actions might be different than what you would do, but that's just an example to show you what I mean.
You have a lot of great things in here. I think it's fresh and original. The message is great too.
Blessings~
Bible is not taught as "doctrine" or "laws" of God so it is given an OK where God's law says NO.
This is a well written piece from a different perspective or view. Nicely done.
You had a lot of words left to expand your story. Interesting concepts but they needed to be developed.
I think I would have liked the story written in the present tense.
Another thing I noticed was that you switched from the MC's POV to God's POV (Think of yourself as a camera operator).
You have a lot of potential. Try reading the Editor's Choice winners each week to see how others handled the topic.