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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: CROWD (07/06/17)
Press



Liz opened her eyes and saw the haze of dawn peeking through the blinds. The reprieve of sleep began slipping away like the comforter at the end of her bed. Time to face the day. It would be her first day back to work since the phone call. She swung her feet around and off the side and sat there acclimating to the morning. Pain began to throb through her heart. It was a combo shot. First, the note two months ago. “I don’t love you. Do what you want with the rest of my things.” Then the phone call, which was so much worse.

“Pray a minute,” a voice whispered.

“I need too,” Liz thought. “I want to. I miss you Lord,” She bowed her head for a moment, but thoughts began swirling, and she decided on coffee instead. “Coffee first, then prayer, I’m too sleepy to focus.” In the kitchen Liz prepared her cup of instant coffee. As she stood in the kitchen drinking it, she started on the mess from dinner. “Pray. Pray while you clean,” said the voice.

“I could pray while I clean,” she thought, “but it’s so hard to focus. I’ll be done in just a minute. Then I can pray.” Liz rinsed dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher; hand washed the pots and pans, and then wiped off the counters. Her mind momentarily off the ache, she noticed the floor needed at least a quick sweep. Her eyes brushed across the clock and she realized it was time to get some breakfast and start getting ready for work. “Why didn’t you save her Lord? Why didn’t you wake someone up?”

Liz scrambled some eggs, and ate a few bites. This time she did the dishes right away, then threw together a lunch, and headed to the bathroom to shower and dress.

Her heart pulsed; pain, pain; pain, pain. She let out a silent whistle of air, once, twice, three times, to vent off some of the throb and continued getting ready for work. “Lord, I need to press through to you, but I’m really out of time now.” Liz breathed out a sigh and headed to work. On the drive she relived the call.

“Mom? It’s me Janie. Mom. I went into the nursery this morning and….. Mom. Jacob’s okay but Julia isn’t. Mama. Julia is dead.” Disbelief flooded me as I held the receiver in my hand. Then a blur. Arranged time off. A flight. The services. Crying. Holding Janie. Breathe one, two, and three…. Breathe. Vent it off.

A worship song, How Great is Our God, came on the radio. Liz felt tears well up, pushed them aside and turned the radio off. “I can’t be crying going down the road.” She concentrated on driving and arrived at work 20 minutes later. The phone was ringing as soon as she got to her desk.

“Fillmore Elementary, Mrs. Emerson speaking.” The day was up and going. Students came in to call parents and to get band aids or inhalers from the nurse. Parents came with new enrollees or concerns for the principal. Liz’s first day back kept the throb at bay. Only once did she have to excuse herself to the restroom, because the pain was welling up faster than she could push it down.

In the privacy of the stall, she cried, “Lord, why didn’t you save Julia. Isn’t your hand mighty to save? Don’t all things work together for good to those who love you? I love you. What good is there in letting a 6 month old baby die in her sleep? God did you forsake us?” Silence. Liz returned to her desk and answered the ringing phone.

That night Liz sat on her porch watching the stars appear one by one. She bowed her heart and gave herself to the tears. “Lord, please help me. I need to press through all these thoughts that keeping crowding me away from you. I’m hurting, and I’m angry, and I can’t seem to reach you, the one person who can touch this pain. You’re the only one who can heal my broken heart.”

“I’m here,” He said, His presence filling the space that had been between them and, for the moment, muting the pain.

“Lord, I may have to press through the crowd of this pain, anger, and doubt again.”

“Liz, I know,” He said, “I will be here. I won’t leave you in this dark place.”
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This article has been read 402 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Jenny Fulton 
07/13/17
I really enjoyed the story and the style of your writing.

Here is some Red Ink to help with the effectiveness of the story-telling tools you use:
1. You don't need to include the title in the main body of the story. This will give you an extra word (or so) which sometimes adds a lot.
2. Since the format of the writing challenge doesn't allow indenting, try putting spaces between each paragraph to make it easier to read.
3. I like the halting nature of this part, "Arranged time off. A flight. The services. Crying. Holding Janie. Breathe one, two, and three…. Breathe. Vent it off." Personal thought: try putting each of those on a separate line to add to the halting nature of her thoughts.
Judy Sauer 
07/13/17
You have an amazing way of showing the story come to life.

This prayer really grabbed my attention.
"Lord, please help me. I need to press through all these thoughts that keeping crowding me away from you. I’m hurting, and I’m angry, and I can’t seem to reach you, the one person who can touch this pain. You’re the only one who can heal my broken heart."

Good job
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
07/13/17
Grr. I'm frustrated because I had a very long comment that I accidentally erased. I'll try to recreate as much of it as possible.

First, let me start out by telling you what a fantastic job you did with this piece. The pain of the MC is palpable. I really liked how you introduced the conflict right away. It pulled me in and made me want to keep reading.

My initial thought on your first sentence was it was a bit of a cliché. Personally, I don't think the personification of the dawn worked for me, but that's just one opinion. However, the next sentence was beyond brilliant. It let me know what a talented writer you are. Not only did it create a wonderful mental picture, but it set the tone for the story. It's obvious that sleep and the comforter are not the only things slipping away from this wonderfully created MC.

In the middle, you slipped from third person to first for just a second. The best way to avoid things like that is to leave the story alone for a few hours then read it aloud.

You may want to put thoughts in italics. There's a thread on the forums that walks you through how to do different formatting like that.

Last, I don't think you needed to use the topic word as often as you did (which wasn't a lot, but some of the best on-topic stories never mention the topic word.) In my opinion, you nailed the topic in a fresh and powerful way. The MC's anguish was definitely strangling her, nagging her, pushing in on her heart and you did an outstanding job of showing that.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this from beginning to end. I so look forward to reading more of your work.
Jody Day 
07/13/17
I agree with the comments above. Also, a good depiction of what fresh pain is like. I really hope this isn't from personal experience. Good job, keep writing!
Lori Querin
07/14/17
Enjoyed your writing. Waking up the morning after a devastation is something most people have experienced and can relate to. That sinking feeling was portrayed well as was the turmoil of spirit. To close the piece with surrender was good.
C D Swanson 
07/14/17
My heart ached for the MC throughout this piece. I pray this wasn't based on a true event, but if so...my heart goes out to you even more so.

Thanks for sharing...
God bless you~
Phillip Cimei
07/14/17
Great job on making us feel the MC and her anguish.

A good take on the topic.

I agree on the spacing between paragraphs. My old eyes have a hard time focusing on the story if no white between.

I would have liked to have seen a little more development on the phone call. That was such an emotional point of the story. I think you could have played that out a little more. that is my opinion. It would have made this old man cry.

Instead of just coming out with the phone call recall, you might have inserted her what she was feeling then just before the recall.

Great job and will watch for your future writing.
C D Swanson 
07/20/17
Congrats!
Blessings~