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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: CANDY (04/28/16)
A LIFE DECISION
“Candy wake up, time to face the day.”
“Face the day, what day?”
“Remember, you’re going home today?”
“Oh, that! I’m not sure I’m ready to go home.”
“Well, the doctor thinks you are, you’re not anorexic any more. While you dress, I’ll be at the nurses’ station,” she briskly walks out the door, it automatically closing behind her.
I watch the closing door thinking, “I guess I’ll do as they say, but they have no idea what it’s like for me to go home. That’s why I’m here; I couldn’t stand the isolation, loneliness, and fears that surrounded my life. They think a few pills swallowed every morning will change the reality of my life alone, away from home. Okay Candy, get up and face the day.”
Standing at the exit of the hospital awaiting the taxi to arrive, a well-dressed gentleman hands me what looks like an invitation. Not wanting to appear rude, I take it saying thanks as the taxi pulls to the curb. After giving the driver my address, I settle back for the ride. Looking down at the card I read “You are invited to attend a brunch at the Lighthouse Restaurant, April 23rd, 2016. Bring a friend. All are welcome.”
Grimacing, “I don’t know that man, why did he give me this invitation? Bring a friend; that’s a laugh I don’t have a friend,” I say to myself.
The taxi stops in front of my house signaling that I’m home and it’s time to pay the driver and get out. That done, I walk up the sidewalk realizing nothing has changed. Everything’s just the same – the life at Candy’s house is just an existence. Opening the door, walking into the house, I notice a beam of light shining through the front window.
“That’s strange, I’ve never noticed the atmosphere to be so bright and welcoming,” speaking to myself again, I place my bag and card on the table in the hall.
Walking into the kitchen I reach for a teacup and tea bag hoping a hot cup of tea will steady my nerves as I face life alone again. With the cup of tea in hand, I walk back down the hall and pick up the invitation. Looking again at the light beam still illuminating the room, I take my seat near the window. Examining the card again I tell myself, “It’s so strange; I feel drawn to this invitation. Looking at the date I note, that’s tomorrow’s date. Maybe I will go to the brunch; it would be a free meal – maybe an adventure.”
The next morning I dress casually. I decided last night to attend the brunch, but I don’t know why. Later arriving at the Lighthouse Restaurant, I walk in and the hostess directs me to a closed dining room. As I enter, the man that invited me nods and begins speaking. I take a seat nearest the door next to another young woman.
“I’m here representing a good friend of mine. He and I want you to know that we’re glad you decided to come and share this meal. This must seem strange, but I’m new in town and desire fellowship. Everyone fill your plate and enjoy.”
There are six of us including the man that invited us. Soft music is playing. I seemed to recognize one of the songs playing. I probably have heard it when I was a child. Helping my plate with the food prepared, I heard my stomach growl. I hoped no one noticed this is so unusual I am actually hungry. Eating silently I keep wondering what’s next?
The man stood and began talking again. I’m speaking on behalf of my friend as well as myself. He couldn’t be here in person today so I’m bringing our thoughts to you. Once He was alone, like me, in a strange land. He knows how it feels to be lonely and away from home. He too wants to have a relationship with us. Come back next week and I’ll have a message and a gift from Him that will change your life. He once said that He would tell us great and unsearchable things that we do not know (Jeremiah 33:3). I hope to see you next week.
Whispering to myself again, “Candy, this adventure was surreal. I’m coming back next week, at least for another free meal. Too, maybe I’ll receive something really special.

“God moves in mysterious ways.”
Fiction
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/08/16
I enjoyed this story. As someone who has struggled with eating disorders before, I can totally relate, and I definitely know I need God to help me keep my control obsessions under control.

My biggest advice would be to spice it up some. You don't want to go overboard, but you need a balance. There's also many experts who strongly suggest not starting a story with dialog. I just read an interesting article on that. You can find it here: http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-level/havent-written-anything-yet/5-wrong-ways-to-start-a-story

You might want to mix things up a bit with something like this:
Candy wrinkled her nose when the nurse brought her the breakfast tray. Quickly realizing that the nurse was watching her every move, she forced her lips to part into a semi-smile and picked up the fork.
Nodding her head, the nurse patted Candy's hand. "Good job. That's why the doctors are discharging you."
Even though Candy hadn't taken a bite, her stomach suddenly felt bloated and stuffed. I'm not ready to leave yet. Just because I can pick up a fork doesn't mean I'm cured!
I used body language and identified the characters and setting right off. The body language shows the reader Candy is nervous. I also put internal dialog in italics to make it stand out. Sometimes it's easier for me to show what I mean, but that doesn't mean my example is better than yours.

I like how she was drawn to the church dinner. It's definitely several tiny steps on the road to recovery. Don't be tempted to tie the ending up too neatly, but making those first steps of going alone to a strange dinner are huge celebrations for someone with anorexia. I liked how you handled that part. I can feel your passion. We have a few people here who often write on ED. I bet you'd be able to get some great advice from them. It's obvious you have a passion for the topic and even more how God places people in our lives to help us when we need it most. I can't wait to read more of your work,
Larry Whittington
05/09/16
In the sentence about the automatic door, you might have something like this: I watch the closing door as I think to myself: "...

In that same area I would put separate quotation marks around "Okay, Candy, get up and face the day" as this sounds like you are talking to yourself now.

I also noticed several places you use the "ing" form of the word you wanted to use. You might have a stronger sentence if you just used the simple form of the word.

Interesting way you used the word of the week. Keep being creative.
Pat Small
05/09/16
I enjoyed this. It seems almost like a stream of consciousness story which needed you to go back and check on verbs. Also we need more white space for easier reading. Nevertheless, it was an interesting piece.
C D Swanson 
05/10/16
I really enjoyed this piece that was on topic.


Thanks for sharing,

Blessings~