The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/20/15
A very nice retelling of this familiar story. Keep writing!
We can learn from your writing that God maybe working things out through a person's suffering. We may need to learn that sometime ourselves.

If you wanted to keep the writing closer to Bible times you may have wanted to use terms other that "barn" and "bailed hay". These bring it too close to modern times.

Don't struggle to try to put all your thoughts into any one piece just because they come to your mind.

I enjoyed your modern take on the familiar story. You used some great words. I'm still grinning about the vision of him parading about. It's a great verb. My main red ink would be with your thoughts. He'd think my father, not his father. Also thoughts would normally be in the present tense. For example this would be more likely:
Why do they dislike me so? Is it because Father prefers me? Overall, though you did a great job. I can tell you are working on doing more showing and you're doing a great job. You were on topic, and it was a delightful read.