Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: TOURIST TRAP (08/20/15)
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TITLE: Corn Maze Fun? | Previous Challenge Entry
By Sherry Brock
08/25/15 -
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“OK everyone, you've had a great week of missions” Brother Jerry roars. “You've fed, taught, painted, and cleaned all week. Now it's time for a little fun.”
We leave the smell and noise of traffic behind and enter a world full of green where quaint houses dot the horizon. “Welcome to McCormick's Family Farm” the brightly painted wooden sign reads, but all I see on the left and right is a wall of dull yellow plants. “Where are we and what are those?” I ask. “It's a farm and THOSE are corn stalks”, Terri quips as the bus driver throws open the door. “Let's go” said Terri and she busts into the aisle dragging me by the hand behind her. Out the door, through the entrance we go and just like that I am surrounded by corn. Looking around I do not understand why anyone pays to see this. “What is the point of this, Terri?”
I watch as my friends scurry through the path laid out in the corn. Aha, I get it now! This is a maze, like the kind mice run. Turning in a circle I move forward and see corn in all directions, along with a well worn path. I hear laughter and giggles up ahead of me. It must be my youth group and Terri must be with them because I am suddenly all alone. She obviously doesn't realize she's left me behind so I jog to catch up. I round the corner and there is a path to the right and a path to the left. I stop and turn my head from one side to the other as I blink and swallow hard. Which one do I take? I listen, barely breathing, for the sound of my friends. Which way did they go? I hear faint rustling, but it seems to be straight ahead, not clearly to the right or to the left. The rustling noises are getting fainter, and I have to pick one. “Jesus, please help me choose the right path” I whisper as I step onto the beaten down cornstalks to the right.
Wheezing now, I walk quickly, but the twists and turns do not lead to an exit or my friends. The fun of a corn maze is finding your way out, right? Well, guess what people? I am NOT having fun. I only hear the rustle of the tops of the corn as they bend to the will of the wind. I am sure I have been in this maze for a long time because my feet ache and my throat is really dry. How long can a person last in here? I peer up into the sky at the sun beating down on me and suddenly my face jerks and my arms flail as something flies at my face. “No! No!” I shout as my hands swat around my head and my hair flies in all directions. I turn round and round as my hands flap and pieces of wet hair stick to my face. Tears start flowing and I hear myself screaming “a bug” over and over again.
I am not sure how, but I am on the ground and raising my hands to see a mash of mud, stalk bits, and grass, while my knees hug the dirt. I try to stand and realize one foot is shoeless, so I turn my head hoping to locate it. “Where are you?” I scream to the shoe while stomping around on the path. Pain! I feel pain! Looking down my knee is wet with oozing black-red stickiness. “Somebody help me!” I scream. I limp a few feet holding my knee. “No one is coming”, I whimper to myself.
“Page!” “Page!” “Are you OK?” Terri emerges from the path and yells. She muffles back a giggle as she takes in the sight of me. “You left me here to die Terri” I say and then I'm laughing too. “Come on girl, we have a date to pick a pumpkin” she says. “Terri”, I reply, “the only way I leave here with a pumpkin is if God himself places it in my lap. Take this city girl home!”
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Fiction
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While you seem to be a natural writer, you need to focus on a few minor things. When using dialog, start a new paragraph each time someone different speaks, even if it's just one word. Also remember the punctuation goes inside the quotation marks. The last thing I might encourage you to do is to use body language in place of some of the taglines like she said or especially ones like she laughed or he roared (it's hard to talk while laughing or roaring). Instead try something like this: "No, it doesn't." My friend Terri doubled over, wrapping her arms around her waist. She laughed so hard, snot sprayed out of her nose and stuck to her hair.
I went a bit overboard to show you how to create a vivid picture for the reader.
After reading it through again, the first paragraph seems like it should come after the second because he'd announce they would have a break before they'd start talking about it. It's not really a big deal and I can see it happening that way, but perhaps add a transition like either have Terri pull her friend into the van, and then have the guy say something like "As you all know, now it's time..."
If it feels like I was nitpicking, I was, but only because your natural talent screams off the page. Your potential to improve at a rapid rate is quite apparent to me. I love your sense of humor. You also did a brilliant job of using the maze as a metaphor for our walk with God. We may feel bloodied, bruised, and alone, but Jesus understands exactly what that feels like and would never leave us. With some tweaking, I could see this as a great Sunday school lesson or small group study. I truly enjoyed this.
Well done! I look forward to your next entry...
God bless~