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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: THE UGLY TOURIST (07/09/15)
Shiren walked from the landing bay of the Human space station with her eight children. Her youngest, C'Wolk scampered in circles sniffing the aritficial air of the station her mother had come to give a talk on food production to Assembly scientists.

"Mother, these aliens smell funny. Some of them are really stinky!' She said with the bluntness of the very young.

His eldest sister, Belloc, looked at her sister in the way that all older siblings do the universe over when they say anything considered stupid. "C'Wolk, firrrst of all that's because they are aliens. And, if you've forrrgotten we Qlag have betterrr noses than any known speices.."

Also, like younger siblings the universe over, C'wolk had no patience for her sisters attitude or attempt to try to explain things to her. "So?"

Belloc hissed, accentuating her species similarities to Terran felines, "Mannerrs show that we arre an advanced spieces and we should not call them stinky."

Shiren noticed that her daughter was trilling her r's meaning she was she was coming close to her first heat. She slowed her walk slightly to pray silently, "Dear Creator, please hold back my daughter's maturation until we return home." Entertainment videos claim that when her species' females would mate with any sentient male. Problem was they're were right and some allegedly intelligent humans were staring at Belloc and yet there there were a group of humans who were wearing coveralls that looked like maintainance workers. But instead of ship's logos theirs said United Earth Missions Team and they were more interested in trying to engage the crowd than stare at non-humans.

A thin human seemed to be in charge and Shiren wanted to ask how he kept the youngsters from gawking like so many youthful humans. She presumed him the leader because he looked, though she wouldn't say it aloud the most 'people'-like as he had fur on his lower face. His group seemed to want others to approach them so she boldly pawed up to him and spoke. "Excuse me, may I ask you a question?" His eyes looked at her, if she read his face properly, happily, as if her asking to talk to her was the highlight of his day.

His voice was higher than males of her world but had a tone that he looked forward to any conservation he could have with another adult. "That's what we're here for, to answer questions about the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

She purred, knowing that humans believed that to be a happy sound for her people, "You spoke about a Gospel? Is that why the young males in your...family?"

He interupted her, "They're my brothers in Christ, but not my kids." She had forgotten that humans usually had only child at a time and such a family group made sense for her people but not his.

"Yes, but I was curious why they did not ogle my daughter as so many other humans do. It has to do wth this Christ you mention?"

"As Christians," he responded. "We hold that sexual behavior is between a husband and his wife." Another thing she'd forgotten is that most humans, unlike the Qlag were monogamus.

"So they don't look at women until they mate?"

"Not quite, but they know that unbridled lust is sin and Jesus died to save them from sin."

"Why do your people obey the teaching of a dead man?"

"As Christians we know we will someday be united with the one true God." This human showed his wisdom by adding, "Our God is similar to your peoples belief in the Creator. Unlike your species we have a way to be united with Him and avoid going to a place of eternal torment." Shiren felt he was trying to simplify the concepts he'd never need to explain to a human for her. In her race's faith it was Reg'Ikol, the realm of eternal lonliness.

Shiren asked, "If I accepted your Jesus would he keep me from Reg'Ikol?"

The human's face twisted into what Shiren knew was an expression of thought. "If I understand you, yes"

She purred again for him, "Tonight, after my talk, my family and I will return to discuss this faith."
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This article has been read 541 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Jan Ackerson
07/16/15
This is creative and unique--I've been at FaithWriters for many years, and I don't believe I've ever read anything quite like it.

I noticed numerous small errors of mechanics--minor things like missing commas or run-on sentences. Any one of those on their own would be insignificant, but when they start to accumulate, they begin to interfere with the flow of the piece. I'd recommend a quick proofread with another pair of eyes.

I also think that this skirts the topic a bit, or perhaps takes it too literally. "Ugly tourist" isn't really about physical attributes, but an ugly attitude.

I love the train of thought that this story sends me off on--if there are aliens, what impact would that have on how we "do" Christianity? I very much appreciate this unique story, and would love to see it in an expanded and polished version.
C D Swanson 
07/17/15
Interesting approach to this weeks topic. Enjoyed the content and delivery.

God bless~
Rebecca Bithyah
07/21/15
I liked the way you slowly unveiled that the POV character was of a different species. The way the daughter used her r's was entertaining and helped to place the reader into the picture. Well done.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
07/23/15
I enjoyed this interesting story. Although science-fiction isn't my favorite genre (it isn't my least favorite either), you kept me captivated right from the beginning. You packed a lot of details in for the 750 word limit.

You could tighten some lines up, leaving room for more story with something like this: C'Wolk crossed her arms, sighed, and glared at her younger sister. "So?"
By doing it this way, I cut out a lot of the telling and replaced it with showing while saving room for more story.

I noticed quite a few errors with run-on sentences, missing apostrophes, and commas. I'd urge you to read other stories, and if you find some that you connect with, send the author a PM and ask if she'd like to be your challenge buddy.

I also thought you did use some great picture words like scrambled and sniffed. It immediately formed a picture in my head and compelled me to keep reading. I also enjoyed your message. It works for us on Earth and for others God may have created. It gives new meaning to Christ dying for all who have sinned. He loves us all, and I could see there being more than what we know. Even if I didn't think that way, this story still would have intrigued me because you did a fine job with the story line.
Loni Bowden-Horn 
07/23/15
This was an intriguing story that pulls you in right from the start. I haven't seen the genre of Science Fiction done before on Faithwriters, so I felt you had an interesting way of presenting the gospel of Christ. Although I don't believe there are other aliens on different planets, you give a visual sense how it could be. It reminded me of a scene from Star Trek. The trills with the r's reminded me of the space landings in the movies.