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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Rage (violent, uncontrolled hatred and anger) (02/05/15)
Another morning has dawned, and it is time to get up, make some coffee, and spend time reading the word. As I remembered the accounts of yesterday, I remembered how my temper had flown out of control towards my sweet little boy, and regrets began to cloud my mind. Even though I had apologized to him, the guilt still overwhelmed me. "Well, today was going to be different, Lord", I said quickly. I need Your help and gentle guidance, and maybe a strong reprimand.

So after I had gotten up, I proceeded to the kitchen, and make the coffee, then went back to my room, where I usually spent time in prayer and reading from the precious word. "Okay, Lord, please help me to control myself today. I need Your help."

After my son William got up, and came in and gave me a hug, I smiled and hugged him back, tightly. So far so good. We went to our little kitchenette for breakfast. " Mommy, I want to help make breakfast today." Okay, I thought in my mind to myself, it should be alright. So, looking down on William, I spoke gently," Okay, William, remember to listen to Mommy this time. You need to follow instructions, Okay?" The little boy eagerly agreed," Oh, yes, Mommy! I will!"

At first, things went well...that is until William begun to stir the batter quickly, splattering batter everywhere. Oh, I can't do this! " William," I said sternly, then roughly, "Go to your room! I can't believe you made such a huge mess!I told you to stir it slowly, didn't I?" The small boy was drowning in tears, and humiliation, as he ran to his room. The promise I had made to the Lord popped up in my head, "What about today being different? Humble yourself, and go apologize to your little son." Ouch!

After walking into William's room, sitting gently on his bed, I spoke more gently," William. I am so sorry that Mommy yelled so mean and loud at you just now. I let my control lose it's way and it hurt you. Can you find a way to forgive Mommy?" William turned, wiped away his tears, and gave me a big hug, "Sure, Mommy. I love you. Thank you for telling me sorry."

I really have to watch how I react to different situations.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
02/12/15
I think this is something many parents can relate to. No matter how hard we try, it's easy to let the pressures of the world build up and then spill out on our children. I liked your opening paragraph. I might change the first line to more of a grabber perhaps like this: As I opened my eyes to the dawning of a fresh day, my stomach started bubbling. Instantly, my mind flashed back to the horrible scene from the day before.
Though not perfect, it creates a bit of suspense. That first sentence is so important in today's world when the next story is just a click away.

The rest of the opening paragraph is great and it did intrigue me. I think you did a great job of writing on topic. You also include several good messages too. I think my favorite is that even though we are Christians, we are not perfect and really need God during every minute of the day. I also liked the dialog. It is a great way to give your characters depth while moving the story along. Remember to start a new paragraph each time someone different speaks, even if it's one word. You also may want to put thoughts and prayers in italics which shows the reader immediately that they are thoughts, eliminating the need for taglines like I said to myself.

Overall, you did a great job on this piece. I like the way the conflict was resolved and how you showed how forgiving little kids can be. You also showed that the mom really needs to rely on God so that the cycle of anger isn't repeated in the next generation. Nicely done.

On the message boards, there is a thread called Jan's Writing Basics. I urge all levels of writers to read and participate in it. Jan is wonderful about leaving feedback for anyone who posts in the thread. It's one of the best learning tools the internet has to offer. If you haven't checked it out yet, here's the link: http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=67