Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Write for the SUSPENSE and/or THRILLER Genre (10/23/14)
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TITLE: Blindsided | Previous Challenge Entry
By Wanda Draus
10/29/14 -
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Absorbed in what I was doing, I barely paid attention to what was being said. “Who is this” as I responded to the voice on the other end of my husband’s cell phone.
Rick, my husband grabbed his phone out of my hand, and with urgency asked, “who was it? What did they say?” They said, “get out, get out quick!” Sure it was a wrong number but there was panic on Rick's face.
I stood frozen as I watched my usually mild, calm husband grab me by the shoulders and tell me, “we have to leave, we have to leave now!” “Go get the baby!” Horrified, I watched him rush over to the dresser pull out the drawer and retrieve two cell phones and a thin metal container that was taped to the bottom of the drawer. Checking the metal box I noticed a silver metal instrument and a flash drive. Rick shoved everything in his pocket.
I didn’t move. Rick was now screaming, “CYNTHIA, WE HAVE TEN MINUTES, TEN MINUTES, GET KAYLA, get her now! You can bring nothing with you, do you understand?”
No, no, I didn’t understand any of it! A few minutes ago I was checking on my sleeping baby and reading Scripture at my kitchen table when Rick’s cell phone rang. Million questions raced though my mind. Why did we have to get out and get out quick?
I started to tremble but did as Rick commanded. There was a fear in Rick, I had never seen. I ran to the nursery and despite Rick’s warning of bringing nothing, I grabbed Kayla’s favorite little toy lamb and threw some diapers and clothes in a bag.
We ran out the door and headed toward the back of our home passing the garage. I couldn’t believe this madness, “Rick, we need the car, Kayla needs her car seat,” at that moment I noticed Rick had pushed a button on the silver instrument in his hand. BAM!! The noise was deafening, it threw all of us forward to the ground but Rick had a hold of me and Kayla to help break our fall. As I turned in horror, I saw my house go up in flames.
Kayla was screaming and Rick and I were running. For Rick to destroy our home, our life, everything we worked for meant we were in severe danger and whatever it was, I had to protect Kayla. I brushed aside my questions and went into survival mode and started to run. What we were running from or to, I had no idea.
We lived on 40 acres of land, we kept running until we came to a heavily wooded area. I thought I knew every square inch of our property but this was unfamiliar. Rick started tearing at branches throwing them to the side as I was trying to quiet Kayla. Soon a small car emerged from all the brush and with hands trembling we got in.
Rick threw a bag at me with a wig and glasses, confused he took me by the hand and then told me one last thing before everything went dark. When I awoke it was night and I was still in the car but not sure of the location. Rick was sleeping but where was Kayla? Screaming, Rick put his hand over my mouth, he whispered that he had to take Kayla to my sister’s.
My head ached, my heart racing. “Listen to me,” Rick pleaded.. “Your sister is going to have to take care of Kayla for a while.”
I noticed a solitary tear coming down his face, when he whispered, “maybe forever.” I grabbed for the cell phone, frantically calling my sister. Rick gently took my hand as if we were on a first date then told me the phone was programmed only to call him and no-one else.
I beat at his chest! You ripped my precious Kayla from me, you destroy our home, and now I’m a prisoner? I could see the pain in his face, but I didn’t care. I already determined in my heart, Rick was the enemy and I would fight whatever enemy, whatever evil this was to get back to Kayla.
Little did I know this enemy, this evil was so unimaginable it would take the power of God and prayer to get back to Kayla and should I try?
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This was fantastic, riveting beyond words, and had me squirming in my chair! You are an excellent writer of "suspense" and I want to read more! I want to know what happened, if the MC gets back to Kayla, and who is her husband and what has he done!
More please!!!
Excellent work and writing here.
God bless~
Wonderful suspense!
The ending was disappointing for me personally. I don't mind open-ended ones, but I needed to know why. I'd be okay in not knowing if they were safe or if she'd see her baby again, but felt a let down not knowing if my guesses about why they had to run were correct. Though it's tough to do in under 750 words, I think if you could remove some of the repetition and tighten the sentences up you might have been able to explain from what they were running. For Example: Rick threw me a bag and hissed,"Put the wig and glasses on."
Confused, I studied his face for an answer.
"The mob is after me and they'll kill you and Kayla to break me." Suddenly, everything went black. When I awoke, hours had passed. Turning in my seat, I muffled a scream. Kayla! Where's my baby?"
Rick shoved his hand against my mouth. "She's gone. If you want her to live, you'll forget her."
I took liberties to show you what I mean. Even the quick line about the mob and saving Kayla by forgetting about her, would satisfy me.
Again, I want to stress you nailed the genre. Your characters were fantastic. I could picture the tortured mother and see possible glints of evil in the husband. I want more, and I hope you will consider expanding on this. You could go in so many ways with it. The potential is amazing. Keep writing, and keep reading. God has plans for you. It takes work, but you have the ability to reach so many people with your thrilling words.
Congrats!
This, for me, was superb beyond words! I loved it, as I've said on my original comment...had me on the edge of my seat. Great beginnings for a novel!
Get to it and let me know when it's available!
God bless~