Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Dead End (02/06/14)
-
TITLE: condensed exert from "The Journeys of Bethan" | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jodi Gardner
02/12/14 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
[Deidree's roles defined.]
As an observer, Deidree noted changes in the master's moods. He became increasingly angry and forgetful. He accused family, friends, servants, and merchants of stealing. His family appeared to over look his behavioral changes over the years.
One cool mid-spring night thick, black, suffocating smoke engulfed the house. Deidree raced to her charge's room without thought for herself. Her life came second to her treasured charge's safety.
By God's grace, everyone escaped; however, the entire estate lay in ruins. The remaining structures smoldered, crumbled as they continued to burn from the inside out, and smelled of helplessness. Even, the beautifully groomed grounds echoed the screams of terror and destruction.
[The servants leave down a dirt road.]
[At the crossroads, Deidree turns north.]
Eating budding foliage and an occasional fish from a stream, Deidree trudged on tired, bruised, cold, slipped feet. Sporadically placed small homesteaders fed her and let her sleep in their barns; most nights she shivered under a tree with a donated blanket. The road twisted and turned endlessly.
During her travels, she initially spoke trustingly with God. She attempted to enjoy the spring sun and wildlife. As days turned into weeks, her attitude and physical strength wilted. Tired, frightened, vulnerable, hungry and without a clear destination, Deidree fell to her knees screaming to God.
"Where are You?! When my parents died when I was little, You told me You would take care of me. You sculpted me into a skillful house servant for a beautiful girl. Who and what am I now?! Do You even care? Did you let me survive that fire just to die in this wilderness? All I have seen for three days is trees, deer, a bear, and heard wolves! Where are You?!"
Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually she had hit a dead end. She could not move. She had repeatedly considered turning back. She had begged God to bring her help or let her die. Her slippers were shredded. Her clothes were tattered. Her face was sun and wind burned.
Deidree fell to the increasingly rugged road in exhaustion. She had been too weary to dream for weeks. As day turned into night, she began to dream.
She envisioned herself mucking the stalls of draft horses used to pull timber to the river. She appeared well groomed and fed. As she pitched the soiled hay, she heard a familiar man's voice.
She called out, "My God! I knew You would come! I have been on such a long journey. Did You not hear me calling?" Even when she had felt abandoned by God, she continued to devote her life to Him.
He tenderly touched her face. "I was there. I needed you to come to this new place. The man who hired you is a servant of mine. He too was lost. Not in the woods like you, but in his heart. I knew he needed you. No one else could soothe him like my little girl."
"But God, I don't understand why I had to suffer so. You know I would have gone anywhere You sent me."
"Yes, but you defined yourself by your past. I needed you to shed all false hope of returning to the old life so you, and the man you will marry, could develop new lives."
"Really? You wanted me to let go of my pride… and I desperately clung to it. I am so sorry. It must have hurt You to watch me suffer. But I know me, if You had rescued me as I imagined, I would have found a way to take credit. Can You forgive me?"
Chuckling, "I forgave You before You were born. I knew you would be stubborn and never give up. That's why you are here now."
Rushing into His arms, Deidree began to cry tears of joy.
"Oh, two more things dear daughter. One, your name is changing; you are no longer "Deidree" but now "Bethan."
"Why?"
"You are no longer 'a broken-hearted woman' as Deidree suggests. You are now 'the woman who solemnly vows herself to Me.'"
"Thank You! What else do You wish from me?"
Winking, "Your journey is not over yet my dear."
Bethan woke to birds chirping and the sound of an ax through the timber.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
God bless~
The beginning was a bit slow in my opinion, but of course that is just my opinion. I wasn't exactly sure what had happened earlier, though I suspect because you are so invested in this character that it was difficult for you to separate the one part from the rest. You may want to consider starting without the background information. Instead, just plunge right in with this great line: Eating budding foliage and an occasional fish from a stream, Deidree trudged on--tired, bruised, and cold. I've done a similar thing, thinking I need to give a lot of back story, especially if I'm writing a true version of my life or adding to the stories of my favorite character. I hope to combine them at some point for a book. The challenge has helped me to write new chapters for my MC and I often find her in situations that might never had been if not for a challenge topic. It's great to see stories develop from this challenge and it has been a huge blessing for me and from what I can tell, I believe it will bless you too.
Your dialog was the strongest part of the story for me. I felt like I was right there eavesdropping. The pain and anger felt so real. You also had a strong message. I think most people need reminding from time to time that God carries us when need be. You showed his love for us. Your ending was nice too. It left me with a warm fuzzy feeling. Keep reading as much as you can and never stop writing. You will continue to blossom and touch others in a wonderful ways.