Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Expect (07/11/13)
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TITLE: Marissa's Expectation | Previous Challenge Entry
By Melinda Bozak
07/18/13 -
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It was in eighth grade that they began to grow apart. Marissa was blessed with a bubbly personality and seemed to grow more beautiful each day. Though naturally beautiful as well, Gracie was quiet and humble and didn't seek the attention that Marissa seemed to crave.
Aware of her daughters exceptional beauty Marissa's mother began entering her in beauty pageants. It was not long before she began to miss church because the beauty competitions were held on the weekends. Marissa resisted at first. She missed not attending church. And she missed her friend.
“You have the rest of your life to go to church,” her mother told her. “You won't have another chance to enter these pageants later.” Although she attended church on occasion, Marissa's mother did not share her enthusiasm for being in God's house.
She grumbled about it for a while. Then she won her first pageant and received that sparkling crown. With tears streaming down her face, she realized winning felt good. The day she took that winner's walk down the runway was the day that Marissa began looking at her 'opportunities', instead of desiring to be where God wanted her to be. “I can reach more people for Christ now,” she rationalized to herself.
She entered many pageants – had a bedroom full of crowns and trophies. But she failed to mention Jesus to a single soul. She reasoned that the time was never 'right'. The truth is, reaching souls for Jesus ceased to be her priority.
“I don't understand why God would let this happen to me?”
Surely He could have prevented the car accident that left her with two broken legs, unable to enter the final pageant. But He didn't. “Isn't He supposed to love me and care about me?” She continued her tirade as her tears fell from the beauty queen's face.
Before she spoke, Gracie prayed silently. “Lord help me to speak Your words in love. Let her heart be open to truths that may pierce her heart as she feels Your conviction.”
“So you expected God to shield you from everything bad in life?” She asked.
“Of course not,” Marissa replied, annoyed.
“...just anything bad enough to interrupt your life, is that it?” Gracie asks.
“What was the point letting me win all this time if He just planned to end it like this?”
Gracie sensed Marissa's focus continues to be on what she lost. – What God had 'taken' from her. Gracie decides to try a different approach.
Changing the mood Gracie joked, “So you expected that if God gave you this opportunity that He was going to take you all the way...Miss Universe or bust!”
Cracking a smile Marissa replied, “Real funny. – No, I wasn't expecting to be Miss Universe. But I guess I did expect that God was taking care of me. But He wasn't.”
“Marissa, God loves us. Because He loves us, He is interested in what is BEST for us. The things we expect God to do may not always be what is best for us. Sometimes He – ”
Squirming uncomfortably in the hospital bed Marissa interrupts, “I understand all that. You know I accepted Jesus and gave my heart to Him.”
Gracie senses God convicting her heart and asks her final question. “You expected God to take care of you and that don't believe He did. Do you think that God expected you to desert Him when your got your trophies and crowns?”
Marissa begins to cry. “I guess not.”
“He may not 'expect' us to turn from him. He is certainly not surprised if we do.”
“That's the great part! He already knows... and he STILL loves us!
“Remember when we were little and wandered off in the mall? Mom kept calling out our names until we finally heard her. She ran to us and hugged us and didn't want to let go. She wasn't happy we wandered off... but she was so happy to have us back.”
Gracie continued, “That is what God does. He calls His children back. He then waits. And embraces us when we return.”
“He wants you to come back, Marissa.”
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Try to do more showing and less telling. For example, you could start off with something like: "Why did you allow the accident to happen? Some God you are!" Marissa threw her arms in the air as she lashed out. Also be aware of a POV shift. The reader only can see, hear or know what the MC does. You could describe what Marissa is doing, but you can't go inside each girl's head without shifting the POV. It can be tricky sometimes, but I believe once you start focusing on it, you will be able to come up with creative ways to show the reader what your MC sees.
I liked how you wove the topic throughout the story. You also developed the conflict right away which pulls the reader into the story. I liked your ending. By leaving it open ended, you make the reader stop and think about your message. You also transitioned from the past to present in a smooth way. Nice job.
I like the short paragraphs and conversations.
Story illustrates what too many in America do: turn their hearts to embrace things of the world. This makes a good warning to us all.
God bless~