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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: CHILL (10/29/15)
Chillin' a Romance (with a poetic essay)

As
I peep...
petrifiedly through the window of a popular potion palace at my local purchasing
plaza....

Oh!
The
visions...
thoughts and sorrows
of all of the disconnected data points that hang there...
like stars in the artificially polluted fake air...
they are more
numerous for me to count,
than are the
bottles and
baskets, and baskets of bottles that line the tables everywhere.

Ohh!
The deceived
chemical romancers
milling about with oft chemically lobotomized stares...
Sniffing and
lovingly rubbing these toxic counterfeit concoctions
on their skin....
and lustfully languishing for luster...while spraying them
in and on their hair.

"Oohh!
This one
smells like
apple, and this
one smells like pear!,....pumpkin, spice , and everything nice
and this.....
an autumn
eve's
air!"

"Ooohh!
This one an ocean breeze,
and this one a summer glade, a pine forrest, passion peach,
a log fire, or even a gingerbread man !"...

Every
lovely,
forgotten deeply
connecting visceral,
real smell that you can think of... that can be
conjured up out
of a store
boughten
plastic
can.

But,
Aaaah!
as truly
frightening as
THIS seems to be...
I haven't even yet began....
to connect to THAT cluster of dots, these OTHER defiling dots that are
so truly!!
hideously !!!
insidiously !!!!
and Intimately!!!!!
....involving of !!!!!!
Satan ! the roaring lion's ! Humanity slaughtering plans.
GRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

When you finally come
to look at human skin...
at REALLY what it is...
and finally come
to realize that it's not just a portrayer of our beauty,
or what is holding us all in...

But,
it IS
in fact
a living,
breathing
organ,stretching
from the ends of our
toes, to up way past our chin.AND that it's ACTUALLY quite a porous membrane through
which many,many,MANY chemicals into our bloodstream
really DO
COME
in.

Now,
When you
take a "look see"
at the ingredients
on all of those scathing,bathing bottles of perfumes "fragrances", washes, splashes and lotions
that everyone seems
to love to expose
to their ever
receptive
skin...

You
WON'T see
listed apples,
pears, pumpkin
or spice, or even
ANYTHING remotely nice...
But rather a toxic,
chemically soup
that your skin
is bathing and
basting
in.

These "masterfully crafted" chemical "perfumes" AREN'T JUST a counterfeited smell...

But
they ARE:
estrogen mimicking,
hormone disrupting,
carcinogenic,biochemically imballancing,seemingly....... lobotomizing,liver clogging
Pharmakia poisons
conjured up and
formulated from
the very
pit of
Hell!

You start to maybe get a real whiff of the source of my great sorrow and chagrin...

It's...
the ease
in which Satan
is able to obscure
from us this seemingly logical connection of a few simple data points .....it's these GEE ??? spots, that make me feel like...I'm
on the outside of a
bad whore-er flick
and mortifiedly
looking
in!
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This article has been read 894 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Larry Whittington
11/06/15
Yes, we are in a pickle with all that's around. Maybe its a brew or even a stew we are in the middle of....

This is an interesting approach to reporting on a scientific study.

Nice writing.
Donna Powers
11/06/15
Your words are eloquent and your point of view is clear. I have a bit of a problem seeing the connection to the topic, but you definitely showed us a clear picture of the issue at hand
Loni Bowden-Horn 
11/08/15
The poem was thought provoking and your ideas clearly communicated. I had a difficult time determining the topic of you had titled the piece, "chill in a romance."
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
11/10/15
I like this. I think I even understood your take on the topic. It felt like I was almost watching a tongue-in-cheek slasher film that gave me chills. It felt like a bit of a satire on how desperation can actually reek and send chills down the spine of those watching. I thought it quite brilliant. I also liked the way you formatted so that long last line in the stanzas remind me almost of an icicle. I wonder how many have looked for love the wrong way, creating icicles dripping from their hearts...

With that said, I do have some petite red ink. I don't think you need the ellipses or exclamation points. Instead let your wonderful word choice do your exclaiming and pausing for you (perhaps one or two of both devices would be okay in a piece this size, but even then I don't think you need them because your natural gift shines through.)

Although I'm not a poem expert, I wondered if a tiny tweaking might help your message more. For example, if it works still, just a slight rearrangement might make a bigger umpact:

Petrified,
I peer through
the peephole of a popular potion palace at my provincial purchasing
plaza

I love your alliteration, and I changed a couple words to emphasize that p sound even more and to make it flow off the tongue easier. I wasn't sure if petrifiedly worked, but by moving it to the first word, it seems to set the tone for this amazing piece.

I know my suggestions may not fit poem wise, but thought I'd try to show you what I mean. I think you did a nice job of thinking outside of the box and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Jody Day 
11/10/15
Very creative take on the topic. I agree with Shan, I tripped over petrifiedly...I get that this reality is chilling. Great job.