The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/19/15
I like this.

There are some lines that have some really awkward wording. Try not to surrender (hehe) natural language for the sake of a rhyme. Jan Ackerson, one of our master writers here at FW, has some lessons on poetry on the forums right now. You might want to check them out, and ask her some questions.
http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=67&sid=fb656a78bf950b585e4916660226ed83

Your first stanza is right on! Nice job.
05/19/15
Important message that is right on topic. Nice. Thanks or sharing.