Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Curiosity Killed the Cat (10/10/13)
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TITLE: For the Love of Cherry Pies | Previous Challenge Entry
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10/13/13 -
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One day, finally his grandpa was baking; Timmy could smell the aroma from his bedroom. He sat up in bed and stretched. He could not wait to taste those warm luscious cherries and that flaky buttery crust. He headed for the kitchen where this nothing short of a miracle was happening. Timmy approached the oven and peered inside. He could not stand it any longer he had to see the pie and get a full sense of its aroma by opening the oven door. Quickly looking around he did not see grandpa anywhere in sight. So he eased open the door and took in a big whiff. Then, smack! Grandpa caught him and paddled him right on the butt!
He said, “Curiosity killed the cat young man! Never sneak up and open the oven on one of grandpa’s pies!”
Shocked, Timmy ran off crying. His feelings were hurt and he feared the worst. But a few minutes later, grandpa showed up in Timmy’s room with a big piece of warm cherry pie. All was right in the world again.
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My only suggestion would be to flesh this out a bit. Add some more details. I kind of felt like you reached the end too soon. Perhaps, you could have had the child asking his Grandpa questions while he was helping him make the pie, or something.
This is cute. Nice job.
Many times it is the grandma that does the baking so you shook things up a little in that area. Stereotyping is not always good.
We don't know if Timmy was there on a visit or if he lived there.It may not make a difference but if this was just a visit, Timmy could be anticipating a pie. This might have brought in more suspense.
I liked the story.
Job well done!
It was entertaining, and certainly on topic.
Thank you.
God bless~
One thing I would suggest is to go back and look at how many times you repeated words like cherry, love, mouth, and crust. One way to fix repeating the word love would be to do something like this: His mouth watered as he closed his eyes and pictured shoveling the warm treat into his mouth.
instead of this:
He loved to eat it while it was still warm.
Though my example isn't perfect, I hope it shows what I mean and gives the reader a mental picture.
I really did enjoy this. Kids have the hardest time resisting temptations. This was a great take on the topic. I also enjoyed the grandfather (remember if using as a name to capitalize Grandpa, but if it has a qualifier in front of it then it should be lowercase) He is a great disciplinarian, but still showed his love, just like God. That was a perfect way to end the story.