Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Expose (08/22/13)
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TITLE: Work in Progress | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ann McDaniels
08/24/13 -
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The nerve endings encompassed by my skull were swollen and throbbing. I held onto the railing with one hand as my legs turn into freshly boiled unsalted whole-grain noodles. The liquid debris in my eyes sought the attention of my other hand.
I stood there on the brightly lit porch entranced by the rich aroma of Jasmine flowers with a hint of Citronella in the air. OK, come on Rae Lynn you can do this. The reason you returned to this one-horse town was to carry out your mother’s dying wishes. Your poise instructor always said --- Don’t let the book fall from your head. Make your mom proud. I took a deep breath, checked my hair, my makeup and admired my red clingy outfit with the matching red spiked 4-inch heels.
Just as my hand and the doorbell connected, the neighborhood barbershop quartet began to harmonize. The singing spurred loud cheering; foot stumping and hand clapping that resonated through the air deadening the sound of the doorbell. I slowly, yet sheepishly opened the door causing all eyes to pivot in my direction. Quickly scanning the room, my eyes locked with my ex-spouse, Carol who whispered to my sister-in-law, Alice who whispered to my brother, Jerry who looked at me. Soon, the whispers turned into snickering. Since my hand remained glued to the door, I did a180 and closed the door behind me.
I attempted to turn my graceful slow strut into a wind sprint, but then I almost twisted my ankle. I had not quite mastered gazelle-like movements in spikes yet. My face chilled slightly from the combination of night air and the moisture from my eyes. I swiftly progressed down the street seeking safety from insensitive, selfish loved ones. Soon my spirit lifted as I saw Dr. Simpson’s office light still on. When I needed to move back to my hometown, Dr. Simpson had been highly recommended by my then psychiatrist.
“Hmmm! That car belongs to … I did not know he had an appointment with my psychiatrist.” With shoes in hand, I made my way up the steps of the old southern plantation home renovated as an office/home. The doctor’s office and patient rooms were on the north side and he lived on the south side of the house.
“Knock, knock. Dr. Simpson, can we talk?”
“Rae Lynn, I’m …”
Upset, a little incoherent and very impatient, I flung open his office door interrupting the flow of his words. Only to be stunned and almost blinded by the devastating view before my eyes. I began to heave uncontrollably, clutched my chest and fell to my knees knocking over and shattering the coffee pot. “Thank God, the coffee was cold.”
Before me, my now ex-fiancé lay nude and intertwined with Dr. Simpson on his lime green exam couch. Before me, were the two people whom I had exposed all my deep, inner thoughts and freely expressed my feelings of physical complexities.
Unable to run this time, especially with nowhere to run and nowhere to hid or seek safety, I wailed, I mourned, feelings of grief and despair finally took control. I wanted to run into the comforts and peace of my mother’s arms, who loved me unconditionally, but that was now impossible.
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Good job with the details and showing what emotions the MC was undergoing.
God bless~
When using parenthetical elements, make sure you put the comma before and after. EX: my ex-husband, Carol, stood there.
You definitely nailed the topic in more than one way. I can so relate to wanting to run to my mother's arms, but she isn't there to hold me. I am comforted by the love of Jesus and can feel his arms almost as distinctly as I had felt my mother's. I hope this isn't a true story. You did an excellent job of allowing the reader to feel the humility, shame, and pain. Nice job.
I'd caution you to be a bit more restrained with your adjective and adverb use. It's far more effective to use strong nouns and verbs, and in particular you had more -ly words than necessary.
I appreciated that you didn't solve all of your narrator's problems in the end, leaving the ending in your readers' imaginations. That's skillfully done.
Good use of both adjectives and verbs.
In my first read through I some how skipped the name Carol so I was wondering a little about the MC and high heels she/he was wearing and carrying.
I think I finally got it though.
The kind of scenes in short stories.