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Topic: Rattled (05/09/13)
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TITLE: Rattling The Darkness | Previous Challenge Entry
By Richard Hicks
05/15/13 -
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Death and hate were all around him. All of a sudden, Tom saw a dark shadowy figure floating toward him. The spirit came close and touched his arm.
The scene quickly switched to a courtroom. The shadowy cloaked spirit still had him by the arm. Dan, a dark-suited man with black hair was sitting beside him.
"Tom, you remember how we practiced what you were going to say, say it just like I told you," whispered Dan. When Tom looked around he noticed that all were dressed in black.
"We call Tom Martin to take the stand," said the bailiff.
Dan approached the bench to question him.
"On January twenty-second, what did you do?” With a gleam in his eye, He awaited Tom’s response.
"Answer the question Mr. Martin," demanded the judge.
A million thoughts crashed through Tom's mind. What actually had he done? The scene from hell flashed before Tom. His mind was disoriented as he looked at Dan.
The judge pounded the gavel. He became Dan right before Tom’s eyes. With a stern and evil look the judge said in a different tone, “Look at your life and what a mess it is. You have done so many unthinkable things Tom. Your life as you know it is over. Your punishment has already been decided, you will pay for your crimes by the death penalty.”
Suddenly the court room door opened, and a voice like the sound of rushing waters spoke, “Tom you don’t have to answer to anything.”
In walked a man in a white suit. A majestic presence swept over the room as more men with white suits entered the room.
Dan nervously stated, “You are not supposed to be here. You must leave this courtroom immediately!”
The man in white said, “I have authority over you and your minions you know it.”
White-garbed men handcuffed Dan and led him away.
“I have paid the penalty. Look at the nail prints in my hands,” resounded the man in white. Dan screamed and kicked but could not get away from the grip the men had on him. The whole court room was now filled with men in white suits. The black was no longer visible.
The court room vanished into thin air. Tom found himself in hell again. This time he was in one of those cages.
He began rattling the cage, the evil spirit came before him, taunting and harassing him. "You are mine. Nothing can help you now; you might as well give up the fight."
With the vision he’d just had fresh in his mind, Tom did something He had not done in a long time.
"I will never give up the fight!" Tom shouted. He fell to his knees and started praying. “Father in Heaven, I know I have sinned, but I ask you for another chance. Jesus, I ask that you come and break these chains. Amen. “
Tom then felt the ground underneath him as the cage shook. The door rattled with such force that it came off its hinges and popped open.
Jesus was there now, as the angels escorted Satan and his demons to prison cells. The angels, who locked the doors all at once, gave their keys back to Jesus. All the evil spirits started yelling profanities and accusations.
Jesus commanded them to be quiet as he said, “I defeated you already at the cross, yet you still try to harass my children and lie to them.”
Satan would have us give up the fight. He wants to lock us away from the purposes of God. I pray for those who read this to wake up so they will see the light of Jesus and not let Satan win. Jesus has the keys to your cage, whatever you may be enslaved by. He wants us to rattle the forces of hell, and that is done on your knees in prayerful conversation with our Father in Heaven.
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Try to do more showing. For example, take your opening line and switch around just a bit: Tom swallowed back the bile that bubbled up his throat as he watched humans locked into tiny cages screeching for help.
Hopefully that paints a picture for the reader and builds the suspense as well.
I think you did a great job of delivering your message. You don't need that last paragraph because you did such a great job of letting the reader become immersed into the story that they get the message. You covered the topic in a couple of different ways. All in all I think you have an inspirational story here. Good job keep writing.
Nicely done! God bless~