The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/04/12
There's a good message in this, and a good buildup with the story line, yet it seems to end too soon. I'd like to know more about how Dan feels about what he did. Perhaps the word count was a hindrance; stories like this often take more time to tell than you have when you're confined to a limited number of words.

This did keep my attention and has the potential to be a real page turner. I'd love to know what happens next.


08/05/12
You did a wonderful job with this entertaining piece.

You told about the pitfalls of disobedience without coming off as "preachy" allowing the reader to take the message and morale of the story freely.

I liked it very much! Good job. Thanks. GOd bless~
This is a creative story. It has a lot of potential and covers topics that every parent worries about.

You had some errors like the punctuation should go inside the quote marks. Also when a new person is speaking, make sure you start a new paragraph, even if it's just ine word. A challenge buddy or critique group would help you catch those things.

I think this is such an important message. Even kids who grow up in a good and stable home can make mistakes. We always told our kids if they ever found themselves in a situation like that to call-no questions asked until morning. Doing things like knowing the kids who are friends, and communicate with their parents can all help deter a kid from experimenting with alcohol. My son told me that what influenced him the most was that we didn't drink. He had friends who didn't listen to their parents because the parents didn't set a good example. Nice job.