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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: See (07/22/10)
Melvyn stared at the sun until his eyes went out, then went home to take a bath. Donovan, his ducky, was more temperamental than usual so he got back out. After dinner, he had an after dinner-drink that made him see how things were. His fondest memories were of a girl he knew who really loved horses. She had a rubber horse named April who she could lead to water, but not to the bathtub or shower.

The girl who loved horses couldn’t see very well either. Melvyn heard she started seeing an eye-doctor after he performed laser surgery on her. He called her and asked what was happening. She said not much. Melvyn said he heard she saw an eye-doctor. She said she did and asked did he want to talk to him. The eye-doctor got on the phone and said he was fine when Melvyn asked him how he was. After shooting some breeze, Melvyn got to the point and said the happiest time in his life was when he was with the girl who loved horses. The eye-doctor said he understood how he felt because she made him super happy too. Melvyn asked if he could see her just one more time. The eye-doctor said sure he could. Melvyn said he would have to fix his eyes first since he was blind. The eye-doctor said okay and asked could he come over. He said he could and he did.

The eye-doctor asked how he got there if he couldn’t see. Melvyn told him he used to walk by the girl who loved horses’ house everyday, even after she told him to get lost. He tried everything he could to do what she said, but he always found his way back. He finally stared at the sun so long that his eyes went out but, even so, here he was. The eye-doctor wiped away a tear and gave the girl who loved horses a dirty look. It was a good thing that Melvyn didn’t see it because he never would have stood for it.

After the eye-doctor repaired his burnt retinas, Melvyn saw that the girl who loved horses didn’t look as good as she used to so he went home and took a bath. Donovan told him he should never go with girls who love horses so much, because they eventually don’t look very good after never taking a bath or shower.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
07/29/10
It's an interesting story. There were a few points I didn't get. I think you could help in that respect by showing what happened. Have the people present and use quotes. I believe you have something important to say and I don't want anyone to miss your message. You have a nice dry sense of humor and I found myself smiling at several lines. Keep writing!
Cheryl Harrison
08/04/10
Your story has a whimsical style that reminds me of what you would see in one of those short films. A lesson imbedded in a lesson. I agree with the previous comment. Your writing style causes the reader to slow down and pay attention. One lesson I picked up on is that things are not always what they seem to be. Keep writing!