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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Patience (08/21/08)
It is a Sunday celebration because Valerie just got a job at a bank in downtown St Louis. She is excited about starting Monday. Her mom fixed a turkey dinner for both of them. They had passed the rolls and put gravy on the mashed potatoes and were finally ready to start eating.

"Mom, I am thinking of driving down to the Casio Queen and getting on the Metroliink at the east river front station," Valerie says. The Metrolink is the light rail train that they have in St Louis; it goes from Lambert Airport in Missouri to Scott Air force Base in Illinois.

Her mom, has this confused look on her face says "I am glad you want to take the Metrolink, but why are you driving all the way to the east riverfront to catch it, when you could drive 3 minutes and catch it at Scott Air force base?"

"Mom, It will take to long for me to get there, especially going home. I don't want to spend two hours on the train,” says Val. Her mother likes to call her by her nickname Val.

"It's not going to take you two hours, you can go downtown in 45 minutes," says her mother shaking her head.

"It certainly seems like two hours" says Val.

Moms who tend to be practical says, "It would to you allot if you could have some patience, if you were to go to the Scott station you would save gas money not to mention wear and tear on your car." says mom.

Getting frustrated with her mom Valerie says, "Mom, I just can't wait that long."

"Waiting is a part of life," says mom as she is shakes her head again in disbelief that her daughter just does not get it.

"I am not a five year old any more, I am 21 years old and I want to lead my life my way," says Val.

Valerie is finished with her dinner her face is showing that she had enough of her mom. As she gets up to leave.

"Val honey, don't you want to have desert," says mom.

Val just gave her an angry look, as she turns around and walks out of the room.

Mom knowing that she upset her daughter who was is to have a nice quiet dinner with her daughter started to cry. She was thinking it is hard to be a mother.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Jan Ackerson
08/31/08
Val is certainly acting like a 5-year-old, isn't she?

This might benefit from some further editing for punctuation and run-on sentences, that sort of thing.

Keep writing--you're on the right track, and in the right place!
Joanne Sher 
08/31/08
This feels quite realistic. Would have loved to hear how this resolved more - did Valerie learn the lesson? Just my opinion, though.
Good read.
Mary McLeary
08/31/08
I like your feisty main character. Poor Mom! Watch you tenses. I feel hopeful for the characters in the story. Keep writing.
Dan Blankenship
09/02/08
Not bad at all!

A few minor errors:

"to" should be "too" in one spot.

And "desert" should be "dessert".


I proofread everything I write three times and then have someone else proofread it.

It's a good habit to get into.

May God bless!

Sincerely,
Dan Blankenship

P.S. I cannot stand train rides; they are bumpy, boring, and full of stops.

:-)

I would have opted for a long drive, too.