Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Confused (08/16/07)
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TITLE: Blueberry Pancakes | Previous Challenge Entry
By Rob Bell
08/23/07 -
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“Can I stick my finger in?” Smiling eyes answered her back.
“It’s your favorite part, isn’t it?” She was halfway across the kitchen before he finished his sentence. Finger extended, she scooped up a big dollop of batter, making sure to get a couple of blueberries for good measure. “Are these the best pancakes you’ve ever tasted?”
“Umm-hmm!” came the voice from around one very sticky finger. “They’re the best, aren’t they Mama?”
“Yes they are, sweetie.” Mom stood quietly at the kitchen door, watching the moment between father and daughter. Life didn’t stay this way forever. More memories flooded her head. Mom was no longer quiet, and Daddy’s eyes were full of anger. Voices were raised, doors slammed, tears flowed.
The covers stirred again, and her head came off of the pillow. No, she thought, life hadn’t stayed that way for very long at all. But the good memories lingered with the smell of pancakes on the stove. Mom and her never made pancakes anymore, what was going on?
Socks made their way onto her feet, and her feet made their way downstairs. I must still be dreaming. There’s Daddy’s voice again… and blueberry pancakes. Reaching the landing she turned the corner. Her father sat at the kitchen table with her mom. The memories flooded her head again, all of them.
“What’s he doing here?” was all that came out of her mouth.
“Sweetie. Daddy dropped by last night after you went to bed. He’s…”
“Listen, your Mother and I have been talking - Wow! - All night, in fact.” The voices trailed off as the memories took over. “…trying to work on things….” Images flashed through her mind. “…I found Jesus…” Who was he to come back here? “…getting back together…” Why was he here? “I hope you can forgive me, in time.”
The aroma of blueberries filled her nose, and she stood there in silence, not knowing what to think.
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In the paragraph where you alternate between Dad's dialogue and the main character's thoughts, perhaps italics for the thoughts would help your reader to tell the difference between speakers.
This is good, and since you had more words, I'd like to see it expanded to futher explore the characters.
There were times I was a little confused about whether or not she was in reality or having a memory - so a little more clarification in the transitions would be good.
Overall, a good job.