Hire
Writers
Editors
Home Tour About Read What's New Help Forums Join
My Account Login
Shop
Save
Support
E
Book
Store
Learn
About
Jesus
  



The HOME for Christian writers! The Home for Christian Writers!
THE CRITIQUE CIRCLE

BACK TO
CRITIQUE CIRCLE

INSTRUCTIONS
COMPLETE
INSTRUCTIONS HERE

CRITIQUE GUIDELINES

CRITIQUE TIPS

HELP TOUR

It's easy to critique the works of others and get your work critiqued. Just follow the steps below:

1) Post your first piece.

2) You must then critique the work of another member to post another piece yourself.

3) For each critique you give, you earn 1 credit that can be used to post another one of your writings.

4) You can build up credits to be used at another time by giving critiques to others.
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.





TRUST JESUS TODAY

TRY THE TEST





TITLE: Legend of the Yoshisaurus (ep. 4)
By Jacob Gibson
07/17/08
 SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
 SEND ARTICLE TO A FRIEND

Well, no one has left any comments yet but that's okay. I'm just going to put up a few more episodes and wait and see. These are just for fun in case some people want to read. In this episode... a new danger has come to Yoshi and an even bigger one is right behind it! Will he be ready? Will the rest of the island?
Ep. 4: Sorry, Yoshi, But the Tribe has Spoken (part I of II)

Yoshi plopped down on the cool sand of the beach shore and got ready to go to sleep. This would be his first time sleeping all by himself and away from home, but he didn’t have much of a choice. He couldn’t fit in his home anymore. He couldn’t sleep by his home in case he accidentally destroyed it in the night. Couldn’t sleep by his brothers in sisters in case he rolled over them in his sleep! And the owners of the ball field didn’t want him to sleep there so… looks like this is it!

That didn’t matter to him though. This spot on the sand between the grass and the peaceful waves felt perfect and he could watch the beautiful sun disappearing right in front of him. Besides, he felt so tired that he didn’t even care. All of the things that he had done and gone through today were more than enough to wipe him out for the day. Yoshi sighed and then thought about everything he learned today. Waking up like this… freaking out… running fast… learning a huge family secret… destroying those machines. What a day. Especially what happened right after that! Oh wait… I didn’t tell you that part yet, did I? Well, let’s go back and find out!

- Y - O - S - H - I -

“Yoshi! Excellent work!” shouted one.

“You rule, man!” yelled another.

“No one can even come close to you!” Everyone who witnessed this happen cheered for Yoshi and gave him many compliments. He smiled with a huge, threatening grin and said, “No problem. This is the kind of thing I live for! Ha ha ha ha! ROOOOAARRRRRRR!!”

In that moment Yoshi forgot all about his huge problem and began to think about the huge opportunities he now had. Maybe his parents were right and things would turn out okay after all.

While he beamed over his great accomplishments, some folks began talking about what they saw.

“What were those things? They’re like animals, but they have harder skin and creatures ride inside of them! I don’t understand it,” said one.

“Do you think that one of these things was the ‘monster’ that kidnapped that one poor Yoshi long ago?” asked another.

“Could be. Hey, why didn’t they attack us? They had several arms and huge claws but didn’t go for anyone but that big Yoshi. What were they even doing here?”

“Hmmmmmmmm…” a gray Yoshi thought out loud.

“Jikondo! You seem to know something like always. Tell us what’s on your mind.”

“I… uh… I don’t know this time,” he said. “It’s… quite strange to me as well.”

Everyone there kept on asking each other questions and inspecting the strange “monsters” that were now dead. The gray Yoshi ignored them and walked up to Yoshi, like he either didn’t care about this or perhaps knew something they didn’t.

“Yoshi… congratulations on your victory. Uh… may I speak with you privately about something important?”

“Oh, hey Jikondo. Thanks! Sure we can talk somewhere. It’s not… bad news, is it?”

“We’ll talk more about it once we’re alone.”

They went to a quiet place in the jungle and sat down. Yoshi suddenly felt worried again and just knew that he was in for even more bad news than he heard before. Would the bad news ever end?!

“Okay, here we are. Now, Yoshi, please calm down. You look so nervous you could throw up!”

“Uh… sorry, heh! So this isn’t bad news about me?”

“Bad news? Possibly. Could more bad things come? There’s a good chance. Yoshi, I’m not going to hold back from you and just tell you what I think as quick as I can. Those monsters you beat… I think I know why they didn’t attack. It’s because they could have been looking for something on this island.”

“Really? What is it? Do we have something important here?”

“We… just might. I… don’t really know what it could be but I’m pretty sure that they were looking for something.”

“Do you think that if we ever know what it is that we should just give it to them?” asked Yoshi. “Then they might leave us alone.”

“NO WAY! I mean… that’s a bad idea, my friend. If they were simply looking for treasure then, yes by all means let them have it and good riddance. But if it was something really powerful, like some kind of weapon, then we should do everything we can to keep it safe.”

“You do know what it is, don’t you, Jikondo!”

“I do not know, okay! Excuse me for yelling. If I did know I wouldn’t tell you or anyone so that no one could endanger the island in case they ever got interrogated. Anyway, now I should get to the point. I believe that what happened today is only the beginning of a much bigger plan. I have this bad feeling that it won’t be long before more of those things come here. Not just the same monsters, though, but even bigger and more powerful ones! Those Koopas have gotten a lot smarter since they first showed up.”

Jokindo looked to the sky and got a flashback of their first arrival. Yoshies were walking around and doing what they always did. Then a large green ship pulled up to the island and everyone turned to look at the turtles jumping out. King Koopa stepped out and growled at them and then whispered something to another Koopa, Dr. K. He smiled and then looked down at a piece of paper and shouted into a megaphone. “Attentchy-on alls you weak and shtoopids Yosees! All your island are belong to us! You have no time so make your chance, helpless cows! Shurrender now and die you may! Join us and you may surive your face!” The dinosaurs just stared at them, not even blinking, and ran at them with loud shouts and flying eggs. Koopa screamed. “Agh!! Retreat! Find another place to attack!” And they sailed away as fast as possible.

“Yes,” said Jokindo with a laugh. “Much smarter. They can actually speak our language correctly now! But about the attack… this may be just a hunch but my hunches almost never fail.”

“And what are you thinking about this? Do you have your own plan for defense?” asked Yoshi.

“Yes I do. And that plan involves you!” Yoshi didn’t say or do anything and Jikondo noticed that he looked a little scared again. “Come on now! You’re a huge fearless dinosaur! Don’t wimp out on me before I even tell you what I’m thinking. Just listen to this and then let me know what you think. Yoshi, you know that I was a good friend of your father, Yoshigefumi, right?”

He nodded. His parents must have told him that they told him.

“But I bet you didn’t know that I wasn’t just his friend but also… his personal trainer!”

“Whaaaaaaa?!”

“Yes. While he and I were in the army I did my best to help your dad get in shape and know how to fight. And when he turned into what you are right now and left the island to defend the world, I tagged along with him. At first I begged him to stay on the island with your mom just as much as she did, but when he wouldn’t I asked if I could at least go with him and he let me do that. So during that time I trained him more, and also kept an eye on him for your mother’s sake.”

“I didn’t know that! But I still don’t see what this has to do with me?”

“Yoshi… I want to be your trainer!”

“Huh?!”

“Yes. When I look at you I also see your father and his huge strenght and bravery inside of you. So I want to do the same thing for you in case we ever need you like that again. What do you say? It would be absolutely free and we could do it as long as your parents allowed that. The only thing I have to tell you is that I will by NO means go easy on you! But you can quit whenever you want.”

“Ha, I can take it! This sounds pretty good, actually. I’ll talk to my parents about it tonight.”

So Jokindo and Yoshi decided on a time and place to meet tomorrow if he could do it and then said good-bye. Yoshi forgot about that and spent the rest of the day running and swimming with his friends.

- Y - O - S - H - I -

“Yoshi?” said his mother. “Are you comfortable there?”

Suddenly he stopped daydreaming and saw his mom and dad standing in front of him. “Huh? Oh yeah, this is fine. Thanks. Don’t worry about me. I’ll get used to it.”

“Is there anything you want to talk about before I go?” asked Hiroshi.

“Not really. Don’t worry, Mom and Dad, I will survive. You don’t need to get worked up.”

She laughed softly and then kissed him on the nose. “See you tomorrow, my little mango.” His dad punched him lightly in the arm.

“Uh… heh… good night!” He closed his eyes and tried to sleep so that his parents would leave him alone. With a little adjusting to his new “bed,” he eventually drifted out to sleep with the sounds of the water. Next thing he knew he was having another dream, but this was was much better. He dreamed that Victoshia had turned into a Yoshisaurus Rex just like him and they were running together around the jungle (and both scaring people out of their wits together). But one moment they were having fun and then another Victoshia looked at Yoshi and suddenly screamed. He jumped back from her and wondered why she was screaming. The voice changed from hers to that of his brother’s.

“AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! Who… are you?!”

Yoshi moaned and woke up. Why is someone screaming at me again? Oh that’s right, I’m a giant mutant now. Probably some kid who hasn’t seen me yet. “Ugh! Be quiet! This is not how I want to wake up each morning!”

More of his family and friends came. “What is it? What’s wrong? Holy moley!!! Who are you?”

“Is that Yoshi? It just can’t be!” said his sister.

Yoshi couldn’t take this anymore. “What is it NOW? Do you have any idea how much I hate waking up this way? I remember when the birds would sing and wake me up. Those were the days, I tell ya. I…” then Yoshi opened his eyes and gasped. “Wha… wha… WHAT IN MUSHROOM WORLD?!?!”

Oh man. It just gets worse. You wanna know what happened to him, don’t you? To be continued! Just kidding. You may not believe it but Yoshi had grown again during the night and now he was incredibly large. How big is he now? Well, I’m not very good at measuring things but here’s a good example. First, play Super Smash Bros. Melee. Go to Event Mode. Go to Level 4: “Dino Wrangling.” You see how big that Yoshi is? Yoshi Zorus is just a little bit bigger than that. But the surprise doesn’t end there.

“I GREW AGAIN!!! THIS IS INSANE!!”

“It is Yoshi! Wow, you changed a lot last night!”

“Red is a good color for you!” said another.

“What? Red? Don’t even joke about something like…” He looked down. His arms and feet were red. “NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO!!!!”

During the night Yoshi had changed colors. Now instead of having orange skin with red stripes on his arms, legs, and back, he had red skin with long black marks across it that looked like x-ray marks of his bones. The only thing that didn’t change colors were the parts of his body that were always white (cheeks, neck, belly, underside of tail).

So it was another strange day for Yoshi, but it still had its good moments too. His grandparents stopped to take a visit with him to see for themselves what all the talk was about and how he was doing. His grandma said she wanted to make him some new boots to wear but wouldn’t be able to until he stopped growing so fast! Then a psychologist spoke with Yoshi a little about how he felt and Yoshi did feel a little better after that (the psychologist wasn’t an attractive girl because they cost more for some reason and the parents wanted to save money). Finally… he showed up.

“Hey, Yoshi! Are you ready for your first training lesson? It’s that time!”

“Huh? Oh, Jikondo… I forgot about that, sorry. I guess so.”

“Alrighty. I talked with your parents today during your meeting and reassured them about this in case they had an doubts. I’ll have to adjust to your new size now but that won’t be much trouble. So… I’m ready if you are!”

“Yeah! Let’s go. See ya, guys.”

Yoshi’s family waved goodbye and then him and Jikondo took off for the training area.

{SSBM “Break the Targets”}

The old gray Yoshi didn’t waste any time and got Yoshi moving. First they ran around different parts of the island that Jikondo picked out the day before. Then he made Yoshi pick up huge logs with his mouth and lift them up and down. He worked on fluttering with his bigger feet. Dodging attacks (Jikondo’s eggs he threw at him). Hitting poles with his tail. Laying eggs and smacking them with his tail (since he couldn’t use his arms). Then jumping, swimming, and more. Yoshi soon found himself getting really tired but his trainer kept pushing him harder and harder. “Man, this guy really IS going hard on me! Ahhhh… oh dear.”

Back at the Zorus residence, Sanya was busy working in her lovely garden while Hiroshi worked at his job, moving crates of food and other supplies onto boats for trading with the friendly creatures in the neighbouring lands. She watered her flowers and then howed the weeds from the fruit, but then stopped when a small shadow appeared above her and a white bird landed next to her. It was the goonie mail bird.

“Good day to you, ma’am! I have a letter for you.”

“Oh… thank you!”

“Sure thing. Here’s what the letter says. Ahem…” and then he sang in the Super Mario World overworld theme. “Heh-llo Zorus fa-mi-ly. I have a let-ter FOOOR yoooou! It’s from the may-or of this land and this is what he saaaaays…”

“Uh… can you just give the letter to me this time?”

“Yes! By all means. My throat is gettting tired from this constant singing and flying. Here you go and have a nice day.” Then he gave her the letter and flew away.

“Hmmmm… a letter from the mayor. I wonder what he wants?” She read through the long message and then sighed. “Oh man. Why does this stuff keep happening to us?”


“Ahhhhh… ahhhh… pant pant! Huff! Uh!”

“What’s wrong with you, Yoshi? I thought you could handle a little exercise! Push it to the limit, man!”

“I… huff… can! Have you… lost your mind? When do we stop?”

“As soon as you fall over dead in a nice big puddle of sweat! Ah ha ha! No, actually we can stop now. Go ahead.”

Yoshi did just that and immediately fell to the ground on his side, completely exhausted. Jikondo jumped off his back and then walked over to his face and smiled at him.

“Great job today, Yoshi. You did well. You didn’t last as long as I had hoped but I’m sure that we’ll do more when you build endurance for this.”

“Uh… great… huff…”

“I have to take away 50 points for dumping me on the ground though! Ha ha! Joking. Well what do you think? You want to try this twice every week? Or ah you just a leettle gurly Yoshi?”

“Uh… maybe… I’ll see… how I feel… next time.”

“Okay. Until then! We’ll get you in shape, mister! Don’t you worry about it!”

Yoshi sighed and then dragged himself back home, where he expected to have a nice brake from this work. Instead he found his mom waiting for him with some more bad news.

Well, sorry to do this but I think the episode is stretching out too much again so I’ll just give you a review of what happened. Yoshi’s mom told him about the letter she got from the mayor and that him, her, and his father would go to the mayor’s building to talk about something important. So he took a short rest and then walked there while his parents rode on his back.

The mayor of the island, a green Yoshi named Miyamoshi, seemed very happy to see them as they sat down in front of his office hut outside.

“Hello, Zorus family. Thank you for coming today. I thought about asking if you wanted me to come over but then… heh… I didn’t want you to have to clean up and prepare and all that.” Yoshi’s mom and dad laughed. “We appreciate it!”

“Yeah. So… uh, I’ll get to the point now. Look, I don’t like to sound like I’m pointing fingers or anything but we’ve been getting some complaints about you, Yoshi. Folks have seen you running by and nearly lost their minds! And others said that they heard their kids tell them that they rode on your back.”

Yoshi thought for a second, blinked, and then said, “Oh man! Sorry. That was dumb. I promise not to do it again. Really.” His parents sighed.

“That’s okay, that’s okay, Yoshi. I believe you and won’t get you in any trouble for it. But… uh… here’s the thing I don’t like. I hate to say this but some of the Yoshies… uh… don’t… want you here on this island. They say that you might accidently step on somebody or eat too much and stuff like that. They say you need to leave right away.”

“No way!” yelled Yoshi. “You guys can’t throw me off this place! I’ve been here my whole life! Didn’t anyone see how I obliterated the dangerous things that came here? Does everyone have a bad memory or something?!” His parents tried to calm him down.

“Yes… I heard about that and thank you very much for that. But I’m mayor of this island and because of that I have a right to keep the majority of the Yoshies here happy and safe. So… next week we’re going to have a voting from all of the Yoshies and… sigh… decide if you need to leave or not.”

“I don’t believe this!” yelled Hiroshi. “How can you even consider that? We haven’t outcast anybody for over a hundred years! This is an outrage! My son is staying here with us as long as we all live!”

“Hiroshi…” Sanya whispered.

“No! I’m not going to stand for this! He’s staying here no matter what you guys say! Would you make your son leave if everyone didn’t trust him?”

Miyamoshi sighed again and said, “I know this is hard on you after everything that’s happened to your son. I myself hate it and wish that I could just pretend like this doesn’t exist. But I have no choice.” And he was right. Despite what they said and the options they looked at, there was no way out.

When it was all over Yoshi suddenly threw off his polite manners and yelled out, “I despise my life! And I despise all of you stupid dinos that won’t accept me as I am! Next time you need my help and come running to me… I won’t even budge!” Then he stormed off and looked for a place to be alone. Again.

{SMW “Mario dies”} To Be Continued…
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
YOUR CREDITS

LOGIN HERE




REMINDER:

REMEMBER, this is a Critique Circle. Please try to give a critique to receive a critique. If you do not want to give any critiques, you can use the REGULAR ARTICLE SUBMISSION area. If you are unsure about how to critique, please use the CRITIQUE GUIDELINES and CRITIQUE TIPS.

VIEWING CRITIQUES:

To view your critiques that you receive on any writing, login to your account and click "CRITIQUE CIRCLE MANAGEMENT" to view all of your critiques and edit each piece. Then, click "VIEW CRITIQUES" next to the article title to view critiques on that piece. Comments on all of your writings when using the Critique Circle will not be displayed publicly as regular and writing challenge articles. They can only be viewed by accessing them from your account.